The Goddess Must Be Crazy
by Lady Silence
Summary: A Mary Sue decides to wreak havoc on Buffy & Harry Potter. Sequel to 'Confessions Of A Mary Sue' R for language and innuendos.
1. Portals Suck

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

AUTHOR: Silence

DISCLAIMER: Joss, Fox, UPN and whoever own all things Buffy. J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and what not. Allison Warren is all mine.

SPOILERS: General warning for everything

FEEDBACK: Please?

SUMMARY: Chaos. That is all. Oh and it's a sequel to my Lord of the Rings fic: "Confessions of a Mary Sue"

DEDICATION/BLAME: I blame the fact that the Harry Potter world has quickly swallowed me up as it's newest convert.

AUTHORS NOTES: It's a Harry Potter/Buffy/Mary Sue fic.

Yeah. I'm going to Hell.

**************** 

Part 1: Portals Suck

It was an ordinary day in Sunnydale, California. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and the Slayer was bitch slapping yet another lovely demon.

Buffy Summers was a pretty young woman, with extraordinary abilities. Besides the miracle of great hair. She was blonde, petite, and was known as the Chosen One. She slayed vampires, demons, and routinely saved the world at least once a year since she was fifteen.

Today she was using the years of anger and the pain of losing her sister to a portal as fuel for her inner fury.

Sure, in some realities Buffy sacrificed herself to save Dawn and the world from Glory. In this world, Buffy never made it to Dawn before the Key jumped.

And that was something Buffy couldn't forgive herself for. Not only had she lost her sister, but the chipped vampire, Spike. He'd died trying to save Dawn. While Spike wasn't really a loss, Buffy still felt guilty about things.

As the demon fell to the ground dead, Buffy fell to her knees, the fight burned out of her. With a moan she remembered watching her sister fall into the portal.. And dissolve into nothingness as her power closed it.

Sadly, her worst nightmare happened as she rose to her feet. (Of course, she didn't know that.) A crackling noise caused her to look above her, and Buffy's eyes narrowed as a portal ripped open through the fabric of her reality..

And a limp form fell through. No sooner had the form hit the ground, the portal snapped shut with a hiss.

Buffy eyes flew wide, a flicker of hope in them, but the hope it was Dawn faded as the figure rose to her feet, long hair trailing beside her face in long pigtails.

The girl looked to be any where from seventeen to twenty-one. It was hard to pinpoint. Her eyes were a deep blue, and her hair a light and bright shade of blue as well. She wore a simple pair of jeans and a white t-shirt with the words, "I know I'm Cute, But Please, Mop Up That Drool"

The blue haired girl spoke, and unbeknownst to those living on that Earth, Hell broke loose.

"Hi! I'm Allison Warren. Everyone calls me Alli." Her pink lip glossed lips formed a bright smile. "Know a place where I can get a mocha?"

**************** 

Buffy watched Alli down her fourth mocha within ten minutes. "Who the hell are you?"

Alli set her cup down, her eyes bright and full of energy. "Told you. If you mean what am I doing here, then the best I can tell you is that Imp 13 is in for a serious ass kicking when I find him."

"Who?"

Alli ignored the question. "So, what's the date?"

"June 23rd, 2001." Buffy replied, not bothering to hide her annoyance.

"Huh. And you aren't dead? Cool." Alli waved the waitress over and ordered another mocha. "Wanna introduce me to your friends so you guys can all analyze me and stuff? Find out where I'm from, if I'm a demon and all that crap?"

Buffy fought the urge to twitch. Fought it very hard indeed.


	2. 13 Is A Lucky Number

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

AUTHOR: Silence

DISCLAIMER: Joss, Fox, UPN and whoever own all things Buffy. J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and what not. Allison Warren is all mine. Imp 13 belongs to Weirdbard.

SPOILERS: General warning for everything

**************** 

Part 2: 13 Is A Lucky Number

Harry Potter entered the Defense Against Dark Arts classroom with a concerned look. "What's going on?"

Potter was known as "The Boy Who Lived" and "He Who Defeated You Know Who". He had been through almost as much, if not more, then Buffy Summers in his teenage life at Hogwarts. Of course he couldn't really compare since he didn't even know who she was. But that was neither here nor there. Or something like that. Not to mention he wasn't the teenager he used to be. He was twenty, going on twenty-one now, and teaching at his Alma matter. It was either that or work at the Ministry of Magic, and with Hermione Granger as his boss, best friend or not, it could get messy.

He still looked very much the same as he used to, with his messy dark hair, the wire framed glasses that a pair of emerald green eyes lurked behind, and his little lightning bolt scar on his forehead. At least he thought he looked the same. The girls who went to school at Hogwarts now, tended to sigh over him as Hermione once did over Gilderoy Lockheart.

Of course, Harry was oblivious to that. But it mattered not, now that school was out for the summer break.

At the moment, Harry was looking concerned because, as he walked the halls of Hogwarts, he noticed a large amount of smoke wafting out of the DADA room. To his shock, he didn't find one of his fellow instructors.. But a child. The child was about four feet tall with a shock of red hair visible from behind the smoke. The child turned around and coughed, even as it waved a hand to move smoke away from it's person.

Pulling out his wand, Harry pointed it to the room. "_Aboriscifumus! _" The smoke vanished and Harry realized he wasn't staring at a child at all. It looked like an imp…

It had red skin, a pair of horns on it's head, and a small pair of wings on it's back. It wore a light green toga, small black wristbands with spikes on them.. And a pair of fishnet stockings.

The imp coughed and gave a wave. "Hey." The voice was very distinctively male and was filled with mischief. "Anyone tell you smoke is bad for you?"

Harry blinked. "Ahem. Yes, well, I wasn't the one who started a fire."

"Who said there was a fire? Maybe it was just a smoke bomb from an angry mob of women from a small town on an island located on a nexus of realities." The imp smirked and hopped onto a table. "Ever think of that? Huh?"

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" Harry asked, getting straight to the point.

"Imp 13." He swung his legs back and forth. "I think you're too young to know the what. Got any beer around here?"

"This is a school, not a pub."

13 looked confused. "So? Bard's school has beer. You can always trust Pierson to have the good stuff too. Come on, any hidden stashes somewhere?"

"No, I'm sorry." Harry said, getting slightly impatient. "How did you get here? The wards should-"

"Wards?" 13's wings flapped, "Why does a school need wards? Where am I anyway?"

"You don't know where you are?"

"No. My first priority was getting the hell out of dodge." 13 lowered his voice, "You'd run too if you saw those women. You make one video and they want to burn you at the stake.."

"You're at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft & Wizardry."

13 nodded. "Okay.. You haven't seen a girl with blue hair in pigtails have you?"

"No.. why?"

"Good." 13 sighed in relief. "Then I'm safe."


	3. Trouble Always Comes In Threes

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is

AUTHOR: Silence

DISCLAIMER: Joss, Fox, UPN and whoever own all things Buffy. J.K. Rowling own Harry Potter and what not. Lord of the Rings & the One Ring belong to J.R.R Tolkien and anyone that's not me. Copyrighted characters mentioned in passing don't belong to me either. Allison Warren, Lacey, Interlude person and Amalthea are all mine. Imp 13 belongs to Weirdbard. "He" belongs to himself. It's better that way.

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it's a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this, as this chapter deals with a LOT of that, and is filled with uber spoilage for it and "The Two Towers".

** = *thoughts*

Once Lacey has been introduced, some chapters will be first person in her view. (after this chapter there won't be any more split views unless it's an 'interlude' or what not. You know skipping from third to first person in one chapter..)

Look! Feedback!

Dusty Fedora: You get a hundred boxes of Cookies of DOOM and a clone of your choice. Why? Cause you reviewed first. (And there will be no mercy, as it was YOU who drove me over the edge and made me read the books! *whap*)

Xandman: Uber huggage! Aren't all my fics drug induced though?

Israfel: I hope it picks up too.. Lol. As for the chapters, well, hopefully they'll be longer now. When I tried meshing the first two, they just didn't 'feel' right together like that. I get picky.. lol

Feedback gets feedback. ^_^ Now I'll shut up and move on.

**************** 

Part 3: Trouble Always Comes In Threes

She was beautiful, with white blonde hair, green eyes with silver flecks, and a perfect curvaceous body. The realms of fandom were her playground.. For she was Amalthea. The most perfect evil of all.

She was a Mary Sue.

Recently, she had discovered a new realm to twist into her own image.. And there was no Lacey to stop her.

She raised her hand and gazed at the golden ring that was now housed there.

Her cold smile shined bright as she snapped her fingers, causing flames to rise from the cold marble floors. They flickered and danced as she began to laugh..

***********

****

INTERLUDE

I fidgeted in my seat as my boss eyed me.

"You realize this is all your fault. You got carried away."

"Yes, sir." I said with a small nod. "And I'm sorry, but I--"

He held up his hand. "No excuses. I know everything already. What you need to do is fix it!"

"I KNOW that. That's why I already--"

"Good good. Just in time too. My tv was fixed this morning."

"That's great news, sir." I rubbed the back of my neck. "Now I--"

"Two heroes against her.. That should be enough. Good job."

"Two heroes, two sidekicks, and a Mary Sue actually.." I muttered and sighed inwardly, knowing He had tuned me out. This was my fault and my problem, He was just reminding me that my job wasn't all fun and games. 

Which was too bad, because fun with me went a long way..

****

END INTERLUDE

***********

While Amalthea plotted, in a very normal and ordinary world, much like our own, where things like that simply didn't happen, a young woman was flipping through a book.

Lacey was an ordinary girl living in said ordinary world. She was in her mid-twenties, worked at a Pizza Hut as a cook (slave rather), had a small circle of friends, and she liked to write. She had long black hair, brown eyes, and a nose that she hated. She wasn't overly pretty, she wasn't ugly, but she was average. Did she have a last name? Obviously. But that's not really an important factor today.

Of course she had done something so many others had done or wished to have done.. She had been a Mary Sue in a realm where the Lord of the Rings was quite real, and quite movie based. She had managed to not only put an end to two other Mary Sues' meddling ways, but had managed to survive Helm's Deep, apparently all to save Haldir from a death he should not have had.

Shortly after, she had stolen a kiss from the one and only Legolas and was thrown back into her world via a ring given to her by Galadriel.

All in all, it was a bitch of a journey, one she didn't care to repeat any time soon. After all, she lived through "The Fellowship of the Ring" and "The Two Towers" all without working plumbing, and that was true hell.

As Lacey munched on a piece of freshly popped popcorn, she closed her book with a sigh, just in time for the phone to ring. With her free hand, she reached over the couch and picked up the cordless phone. With a quick swallow to finish off the popcorn she answered it. "What?"

"Someone's doing their Miss Parker impersonation."

Lacey rolled her eyes. "Bite me, Rick. What do you want?"

"What are you doing?"

"Finishing up the newest Harry Potter book." She was greeted by silence and she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. "Oh knock it off. It's not like I'm going to start gushing about it."

"Today anyway."

"Shut up!"

"Maybe tomorrow." Her friend laughed. "Listen, the gang is going to the movies tonight to see '28 Days Later'. Want to come?"

She shook her head, forgetting that he couldn't see her. "No thanks. Saw it last night. Besides, the last thing I want to do is watch you hit on the girl in the ticket booth and get shot down again."

"…"

"Okay, that'd be great reason to go actually, but nah. I have to work tomorrow, duh." She growled good naturedly. "If I remember, someone named Rick asked me to cover his shift."

"I have a dentist appointment!" He said in his defense. "Besides, I told you I owed you big."

"Yes, you do. So why haven't you kidnapped Orlando Bloom for me yet?"

"Because Aims isn't done with him yet?"

Lacey laughed. "Excuses excuses. You're so full of it."

"So Nic keeps telling me. I better go. Have to meet the others. Talk to you tomorrow?"

"Unless I'm a corpse hanging from a hook in a meat locker having my flesh peeled off by some guy named Bob who likes kinky sex and sheep, sure."

"Always so perky and upbeat aren't you."

"I try."

"So.. Is that sex with the sheep or not?"

Lacey hung up the phone with a snicker. Her friends were evil, but that's what she loved about them. They were special that way. Completely insane with minds that lived in the gutter. It was nice to have company there.

With a yawn, Lacey stretched, "Hoo.." She rose to her feet and winced as she felt a strange wave of heat surge through her. She fell to her knees with a gasp. The last time she'd felt pain like that was when she had been brought back home from Middle Earth.

Biting her lip in pain, Lacey brought her right hand up to gaze at her ring. The gift from Galadriel was a silver ring that looked like a small phoenix had wrapped itself around the finger. It's eyes were two small rubies that just happened to be glowing and getting brighter by the moment.

Lacey managed an, "Oh fuck."

And everything went white.  


************ Lacey's Point of View*************

My eyes fluttered open and I found myself staring into a large pair of dark eyes, attached to a very large dog, bigger then me. I blinked at the beast, being sure not to make any sudden movements. What? You think I'm frigging stupid or something? My family has a history of taking in one too many dogs. Treat them nice and you're good. Get freaky on them and you might lose a limb.

In this case it was looking to be my head. I really didn't feel like losing it just yet, so just call me Miss Behaving Chick. I swallowed slowly and a loud voice echoed towards us.

"Fang! Here, boy!"

The giant dog barked in reply, causing me to wince. Ugh. I think my ears were bleeding. Thanks. Think I can sue a dog? Because fuck, that was loud. Much to my relief the dog ran off, but it continued to bark.

Great. Lassie the Wonder Mutant was going to lead someone to me. Just fucking peachy.

I scrambled to my knees, trying hard to ignore the slight wave of nausea I was feeling. With a groan I took a look at my surroundings.

Trees were everywhere.

"Trees?" I let out a moan. "Not more damn trees!! I hate my life. I hate it!" I slammed my hand into the ground with a frustrated moan. Yeah, I was acting like a brat, but for the past four months I'd been safe and cozy in my shabby apartment, with modern conveniences, and no trees. After my time spent on Middle Earth, I'd had my fill, and unless Legolas appeared soon, I wanted the hell out, and I wanted it now.

"Someone just kill me.." I grumbled as I picked twigs out of my hair. 

"Migh' jus' happin if you don' tell me wha' you're doin' 'ere."

I looked up from my task.. and kept looking up. Standing above me, and I was straining my neck here, was a dark and burly fellow, at least twice as tall as I was. My jaw dropped in recognition. How could I not recognize him?

Rubeus Hagrid, the grounds keeper of Hogwarts.

Well at least I knew where I was. Harry Potter. Why the hell would I be in Harry Potter? Christ. I like the books, but hello, no one for me to ogle here. God I needed a boyfriend.

I remembered that Hagrid was eyeing me carefully, so I lifted a hand and waved slightly. "Um.. Hi." I gave a sheepish smile. "To be honest, I think I got here by a magic ring, but I'm actually leaning to a bad batch of acid."

"A magic ring, eh?" I nodded and he looked thoughtful, even as Fang started sniffing around me. "Well, I just be takin' ye to see Dumbledore then." He stared at me, as if daring me to say no.

"Peachy." I said and got to my feet. Much to my relief I was still wearing the clothes I'd been wearing at home. A black pleather skirt, a purple corset tank, and a pair of black, short tomb buckle boots. I glanced around and noticed my hat laying on the grass. I quickly snatched it off the ground. It was a black fedora, my newest and most used article of clothing as of late. What can I say? It's a fedora! You can't get much cooler.

Moving quickly, I caught up to Hagrid, who had gone on ahead. Thank god I've been keeping in a bit more shape lately. I shuddered at the memory of running around the plains of Rohan. I think if I was forced to run much further back then, I'd have keeled over from a heart attack.

Saddest part, I wouldn't have even made a good looking corpse.

As we worked our way out of the Forbidden Forest, I wound my hair up as best as possible and proceeded to shove it underneath my hat, all the while mumbling about how I hated sunlight.

I burn, okay? I'm the wannabe vampire with my hours. Pale me and sun do not mix. Which is funny because I'm really not supposed to be pale, what with my genetics and crap. But when you spend most of your free time locked away in your room most of your life, you get to defy the rule of genetics I think.

With a slight look at my ring, I shook my head.

The Powers That Be were playing with me again, and I didn't like it one bit. One day, I'm going to hunt them down and shoot them. A lot.


	4. Of Sidekicks and Tag Alongs

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

AUTHOR: Silence

DISCLAIMER: Joss, Fox, UPN and whoever own all things Buffy. J.K. Rowling own Harry Potter and what not. Lord of the Rings & the One Ring belong to J.R.R Tolkien and anyone that's not me. Copyrighted characters mentioned in passing don't belong to me either. Allison Warren, Lacey, Interlude person and Amalthea are all mine. Imp 13 belongs to Weirdbard. Professor Skyler Mythe belongs to Mythe. "He" belongs to himself. It's better that way.

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

As for Mythe uh.. You may blame her for her presence in this fic. Let's see YOU say no to an older sister who can kick your ass.

** = *thoughts*

Feedback!

Pellagolloien: Whoo! Yes I have.. Kinda. Lol. And yay!! You're tagging along!! UBER HUGS! ^_^

Ahh yes, time periods. Ok, in the Harry Potter verse it's naturally an AU of him in the year 2001. He'd be about a year older then Buffy I believe. In this fic, the Buffyverse and Potterverse exist on the same earth, together. They just don't know it. Lol. Mm… Pixi Stix are the drug of the gods I say! And of course I have an Orlando fetish! What fangirl who writes Mary Sues doesn't? ^_~

Delphian: Lacey could never truly go away. Besides, I'm too cruel of a creator to let her off the hook. And don't worry, no arrows from me. ^_~ Crossovers are my thing. They're usually full of chaos. But in a good way. I hope. Lol. Well, good in my view. I'm a strange one.

Hehe, Thank you very much for clicking that review button. It makes my day, it really does. Cookies of DOOM for all! And remember, feedback always gets feedback!

Oh and for those who get confused at certain comments about incidents involving some of the original character types.. Don't worry. I'm confused too, and I helped write/or created said incidents.. lol

**************** 

Part 4: Of Sidekicks and Tag Alongs

Buffy tapped her foot as she waited for Giles to answer his phone. Still, she received no answer. She glanced at Alli who was still sitting at the table, scarfing down a muffin and yet another mocha.

*How the hell does she put all that away?* Buffy thought briefly, before allowing her alarm bells to go off. She had called the entire Scooby Gang, and had gotten no answer at any of their homes. With a frown she placed the phone back in it's place and walked back to the table.

"We're going to make a house call." Buffy said, digging into her pocket for some cash.

Alli had already bounced to her feet and tossed a hundred dollar bill on the table. "Coolios. Let's move out!"

As Buffy led Alli out of the Expresso Pump, she quickly wished she could turn back time and not taken her to the coffee shop. Alli had started to ramble.. And ramble, and ramble, until it sounded like one long run on sentence.

"That's where she puts it all." Buffy muttered. The slayer tried to tune her out, but here and there, snippets about four armed demons, alternate universes, and God at a Christmas party kept breaking the barrier.

"So then I used a diamond yo-yo on Lilith and Tuxedo Mask threw this rose carved out of a diamond. We saved Xena and then Bard whipped out this magical mirror thing which made her--"

Buffy thanked the Powers as she stopped at Giles' doorstep. She knocked on the door, which caught Alli's attention, causing her to shut up.

To Buffy's surprise, the door swung open easily.

"Something isn't right." Buffy murmured, her senses going on alert. She entered her Watcher's home cautiously.

The place was impeccable, with not even a dust bunny lurking about.

"No one is here."

Buffy glanced at Alli, who she'd momentarily forgotten about, "How do you know?"

"It's a sidekick thing." She shrugged from her seat on the top of the couch. "Besides, look around, it's too.. Clean. It's like Martha Stewart came in and took over."

"Funny. I'm half expecting her to come out with some kind of cake." Buffy muttered absently as she searched the place. "Did you know she was a demon?"

Alli nodded. "She sold her soul or something. It's pretty common knowledge."

A shout of triumph erupted from Buffy as she picked a sword off the floor. "What do we have here?"

"Jenkies!" Alli said. "It's a clue!"

Buffy flashed her a withering look. "……." She turned the sword over in her hand. It was a 24" double edged short sword with a wicked curved end. "What kind of sword is this?"

"Orc sword." Alli said as if it were obvious. "Haven't you seen 'Fellowship of the Ring'?" At Buffy's blank look, Alli slapped her head to her forehead, realizing the movie hadn't been released yet. "Never mind." She tapped the blade with her index finger. "Orcs are like demons in a way. They're big, bad, strong, and like to kill. But they aren't supposed to be here. And they would soooo never leave a place neat and tidy."

Buffy gripped the sword handle tightly. "We're going to check Xander's and you're going to tell me everything you know about these 'Orcs'."

************* 

"You're telling me you're one of 666 imps belonging to a demon from hell with a soul?" Harry asked incredulously.

13 nodded as he ate a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans and made a face, "Ear wax.. bleh tastes like that lollipop I found that one day. The one with the cotton end."

Harry blinked and sighed. "That's because it wasn't a lollipop. It was--"

The door swung open and a witch with short black hair entered the room. She was tall, at least 5'8", wore a pair of black pants tucked into matching leather boots with silver buckles that ended just below the knees, and a white shirt barely visible from behind a voluminous black leather trench coat with silver shoulder plates strapped onto it. 

She tugged at one of her black gloved hands with an arched brow, the silver wristbands almost glowing, all the while staring at the scene before her. "Mr. Potter."

Harry swore inwardly. It was the resident DADA instructor for the past year, Skyler Mythe. Harry had been a Hogwarts version of a Teacher's Assistant to whoever taught Defense Against the Dark Arts since three years ago, and had been through three different professors, but none of them made him feel more inferior then Professor Mythe. She knew her stuff, but she could be creepier than even "Mad Eye Moody" and Severus Snape combined.

In fact, if it weren't for her, he, Hagrid and Dumbledore would have left the school already, but for some reason she insisted something needed to be discussed and Dumbledore had agreed willingly.

"Professor Mythe." Harry greeted, "I'm sorry, but I found the classroom filled with smoke and this-"

"Imp." Mythe said, her voice emotionless and distinctively American, held her eyes on 13. "I assume you closed whatever portal you opened and sealed it tight?"

13 blinked at her and then shrugged. If she didn't want to acknowledge him properly, well.. He'll just make her suffer. "Of course I did. What kind of imp do you take me for?"

"A very confused one." She said, eyeing his fishnet stockings. 13 nearly choked on his beans, causing the witch to smirk slightly. Skyler's cold mask quickly went back into place. "Dumbledore wishes to see us. We have a situation. I suggest the imp come along."

Harry nodded, even as Mythe had already walked away. He shook his head as he stood up. "She's-"

"A hard ass bitch." 13 grinned at him secretively as he flew off the table and followed Harry out of the classroom. "You know what would really get to her?"

Harry was afraid to ask, but was also curious as to what this imp knew that he didn't. "What?"

"Get me into her room and I'll--"

"No way!" Harry exclaimed. "Professor Mythe has been annoyed with me ever since our lesson on vampires, I'm not risking making it even worse. She could come back next year!"

"Doubt it." 13 muttered dejectedly. He put the video camera that had appeared out of nowhere back into his subspace pocket. "Don't you have ANY fun?"

"Of course, but it doesn't involve video cameras." Harry said indigently. "Besides, that wouldn't work in here. The wards--"

"Don't do a thing to my supplies." 13 snapped. "My equipment was made by the best and enchanted by the best.. Or worst. I've got cameras in places you could only dream. There's this one set up in one in seventh Heaven and the angels there--"

"Ah look. Here we are." Harry announced in relief. He was getting tired of the imp's interruptions and what seemed to be an exuberant supply of voyeurism. He covered the imp's ears and repeated the password that would open the secret passage behind the gargoyle statue to Dumbledore's office.

As they stepped onto the rising steps, 13 floating beside him, muttering something that Harry knew was foul even though he didn't understand it.

"Harry, good." Dumbledore greeted him as he joined the handful of people. He still looked as sagely as ever with his flowing white hair and long beard. He seemed to match the portraits of the headmasters and mistresses perfectly. "Hagrid has brought something to our attention."

Standing in the office was Hagrid, Mythe, and Dumbledore, and they were all staring at a young woman sitting in a chair dressed in obvious muggle clothing. Harry stared at her briefly, wondering what she was doing there. The woman stared at them all, annoyance written all over her face.

"Will you stop staring at me for god's sake? You'd think you had never seen a Mary Sue before."

*********** 

Alli handed Buffy a glass of water as the slayer stared at the pile of Orc swords in front of her. The two had returned from their house calls, only to find the same M.O at each home. Everything was always in perfect order, always clean, and an Orc blade placed somewhere in the living room.

Buffy nodded her thanks before taking a long drink. "What the hell does this all mean?"

"It means you put a want ad in the paper for new sidekicks." Alli said brightly. "If you wait, I can type up my resume real quick."

Buffy gave the girl a warning look that didn't even phase her. "Not funny. Why ARE you still here?"

Alli shrugged. "It's either this or look for Imp 13 and run him over with a tank. Only I'm lacking the tank and the imp." She tugged at one of her long pigtails. "Besides, you need help to find your friends and I'm a superhero. It's what I do."

"You," Buffy managed to choke back a laugh. "are a superhero?"

The blue haired body of perkiness nodded. "Yes! Well, kind of. I mostly tend to be a sidekick. But hey, I have credentials. I've been a sidekick to a demi-goddess, an immortal, Ares the God of War; although that was just a one time thing when we torched a police station because we were arrested at a party, and I'm currently a sidekick to my creator. She's a goddess by the way. We do the coolest stuff! There was this time when the imps were all being tortured and we had to go to Hell--"

"ENOUGH!!!" Buffy shouted. "Just shut up! I believe you! Just stop talking for five minutes and help me figure this out!"

Alli grinned. "I knew you'd come around." Her face turned serious. "What we're dealing with is a mastermind. A true criminal. Someone who can take your friends without you noticing."

"But why leave a sword?" Buffy asked. "Calling card?"

"Probably." Alli picked up a sword and swung it with obvious expertise. "Hmm. Maybe you should call your ex boy toy Angel. He's old. Maybe he's seen this before around here."

Buffy nodded and without a vocal reply, she headed straight for the phone.

Meanwhile, Alli was studying each blade carefully, testing the balance, and looking for any possible cracks in the blades.

"Weird. They look perfect. They fit perfect. There aren't even any scratches." She muttered. Alli looked up at the sound of footsteps to see Buffy had returned. Buffy's hands were clenched to her sides and her face was pale. "What's wrong?"

"Angel's missing."


	5. Lacey Meets The AntiContinuity Hell Beas...

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

AUTHOR: Silence

DISCLAIMER: Joss, Fox, UPN and whoever own all things Buffy. J.K. Rowling own Harry Potter and what not. Lord of the Rings & the One Ring belong to J.R.R Tolkien and anyone that's not me. Copyrighted characters mentioned in passing don't belong to me either. Allison Warren, Lacey, Interlude person and Amalthea are all mine. Imp 13 belongs to Weirdbard. Professor Skyler Mythe belongs to Mythe. "He" belongs to himself. It's better that way.

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

As for Mythe uh.. You may blame her for her presence in this fic. Let's see YOU say no to an older sister who can kick your ass.

** = *thoughts*

FEEDBACK!

BookCrazy77: Hee. After becoming an addict to Potter *insert accusing glare at Dusty Fedora* and reading one too many Buffy/Harry Potter crossovers, I had an urge to try. Only it's going down a completely different road then I'd planned. Hee. I hope you enjoy it! 

Dusty Fedora: I thought you'd appreciate the headgear. ;p I have no idea where anything is here. Although if Mythe had her way I'd have this done NOW. Slave driver.. Heheh.. But anyhow.. Chaos.. It's what I live for.

Holly: Hee, thank you! *Hugs!*

Thanks again for the comments! *UBER HUGS AND SUGAR!!!* I adore you all who read and give feedback! (Heck, I adore you even if you don't!) And now.. On to a nice chapter involving dear ole Lacey.

~Silence, who is still giggly cause she watched The Lizzie McGuire Movie~

**************** 

Part 5: Lacey Meets The Anti-Continuity Hell Beast

I drummed my fingers on the armrest of the chair that Dumbledore had offered me. See, I was waiting. Hagrid had taken me to see Dumbledore all right, only now I had to wait for this DADA teacher and Harry Potter.

Goody. I get to be the focus of attention. Again. God, what the hell was I doing here? Was I here to ruin continuity? Was I in some freakish fan fic where I turn out to be the long lost mother of young Harry Potter, only I've been reincarnated? Was I a long lost daughter of Voldemort or Severus Snape? (Which would be really gross since I'm one of those Snape lovers.. What? Alan Rickman is-- never mind. Shutting up.) Did I eat dinner?

Finally a woman joined us in the office. I frowned. She looked cool. Dark hair.. And a complete rip off of Sephiroth's outfit from Final Fantasy 7. I groaned inwardly. Oh god. She was a Mary Sue wasn't she. Another perfect one like Mary and Sue.

"This is our Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." Dumbledore said, his voice kind. "Skyler Mythe."

I tried to refrain from throwing up. Skyler? Who was she kidding? Mythe? I'm in hell once again and without an elf or a ranger to save my sanity. God those blue eyes would be nice right about now..

"Mythe will be fine." She said, her voice cold, American, and yet I swear I thought I heard a touch of curiosity there. Mythe began to stare at me as if I were a specimen in a jar just waiting to be pulled out and dissected.

I resisted the urge to pull my hat over my face, if only because I didn't want my hair falling all over the place.

And shut up. I know that rhymed. Bite me.

"Harry, good." Dumbledore's voice snapped me back to reality. "Hagrid has brought something to our attention."

I turned my head, expecting to see one of the many young faces of Harry Potter. But no. That would be too kind. What I saw was a guy who wasn't much younger then me. With a winged.. Thing next to him. He had the always present messy hair and glasses. The guy, not the creature.

Now I was annoyed. I couldn't be in one of the books then. Not if that's Potter. Of course if the creature was Potter, I was DEFINITLY in the wrong book. That meant I was completely out of continuity, which meant I had nothing to work with or to possibly keep myself breathing for whatever reason I was here.

Have I mentioned I HATE my life?

"Will you stop staring at me for god's sake?" I snapped at them. "You'd think you had never seen a Mary Sue before."

Mythe arched an eyebrow but said nothing and instead glanced at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Mary Sue-"

"Ugh. DON'T call me that." I growled.

Harry looked confused. "But you just said--"

"I said I was **A** 'Mary Sue' not that my name is Mary Sue." I tapped my foot impatiently. "Look, my name's Lacey and I'm a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are like these 'original characters' put in stories for a writers amusement. Usually some one elses' stories. It's a term called-"

"Fan fiction." Mythe finished. She answered my unasked question. "My sister enjoys it."

I shrugged. "Anyway, Mary Sues are typically used to fulfill some desire of the author/creator type. Usually to fix something they didn't like, like a canon character death or the most over used plot, getting the main character to fall in love with them."

Harry looked a little worried. Ah yes, he knew the drill. Trouble liked to cling to him, and a Mary Sue sounded like trouble. He had some common sense if he was worried. Good. 

The creature floating next to him snickered. "So you're here to get Harry?" He flew over next to me and gave me a once over. "Not that you look bad or anything, but I've seen better. I know this cat woman who--Gyah!"

I pushed him away from me with a snarl. "Shut up! God! I'm not here to 'get' Harry! I don't know WHY I'm here. All I know is I was sitting on my couch reading a damn Harry Potter book, which I don't think I'm ever going to touch again now, and then wham! My stupid god damn ring brought me here!" I finished my brief tirade in time to see the little red creature getting dangerously close to my personal space again. "Will you get away from me? What the fuck are you anyway?"

"I'm an imp." He said as if it were obvious. "Imp 13. And I was just wondering where you got your top. I like the corset design on it. It looks the one I have at home. Did you get a good deal on it?"

There was a soft coughing sound, and we all looked over to Dumbledore. "I believe we have a purpose for this meeting, do we not?"

Mythe muttered the phrase, "_Accio_." and Imp 13 flew into her grasp, She clutched the back of his toga tightly. "Be silent."

13 opened his mouth to speak and nothing came out.

So Scary Sue has some uses.

"Your claims seem to tell of experience." Dumbledore said to me. "Why is that?"

"Long story short, this happened to me before, only before I got my ring. I found out I was there to be a Convenient Plot Device to help two Perfect Mary Sues achieve their goals. Only I didn't do it. I stopped them and only managed to screw up one thing in continuity, but it's something I didn't mean to do, it just kind of happened." Ah.. So I left the hard core details out.. But they weren't important. Not really.

"What's the difference between a 'Perfect Mary Sue' and, well, you?" Harry asked.

"A perfect Mary Sue is just that. Perfect." Mythe explained, much to my surprise. "She tends to be beautiful, powerful, has the love of all the characters, while still having this one tiny flaw to supposedly make her 'human'. A normal Mary Sue tends to have those qualities as well, but on a less grandeur level."

Okay, Mythe was officially weirding me out. If she was a typical Sue, she wouldn't be like that. At least I didn't think she would be.

Mythe whispered something to Dumbledore who nodded. He turned to Harry. "Mr. Potter, if you would be so kind as to take Lacey to get something to eat? Professor Mythe has something to discuss with Hagrid and myself."

Harry blinked at him and nodded. "Of course, sir." He cast a suspicious glance at me.

I sighed. Maybe I didn't go about explaining things in a good way. I stood up and followed Harry to the entrance of the office. I looked back at 13 who was looking peeved at how he was being handled.

Ah, yes, I did what any mature woman of my age would do. I stuck my tongue out at him. His eyes widened and he made a VERY rude gesture at me which caused Mythe to tighten her grip.

As Harry and I were about to walk past the portraits of the headmasters and headmistress of Hogwarts, my eye caught one in particular. I stood there staring at it for a moment until I felt a hand on my arm.

"What are you looking at?" Harry asked me.

I pointed to the portrait. "That's Gandalf. Wow. He really WAS a headmaster of the school here. That's just.. Neat." I reminisced as Harry led me back down the hidden staircase and to the hallway. Of course as soon as the gargoyle was back in place, I squashed all my memories of the Fellowship real fast. That road always led to what I'd done.. What I'd caused.. And of course that damn elf that no one could compete with.

God I hated me.

***************** 

So here I was, sitting in Harry's room and eating from his stash of goodies from Honeydukes.

Yeah, that's right. I work fast. I got him to take me to his room. The sucker. Now to jump him.

Oh please, as if I would. Still mooning over the elf, remember? Yeah. Try to distinguish the sarcasm people.

It didn't take much actually, I just told him I didn't want to be any trouble and that I didn't want anything major. So he was nice and offered me, of all things, sugar.

God bless this wizard.

Sure, it's not Pixi Stix, but hey, I'll deal.

I was sitting on my knees in an arm chair nestled in the corner of the room, trying hard to ignore the fact that Harry, from his sitting position on his bed, was watching me like a hawk.

I swallowed the last bit of fudge I'd been working on and sighed. "Look, I'm not going to try and grope you if that makes you feel better."

"It doesn't, but thank you." Harry said dryly. "So.. you were reading about me?" I nodded and his curiosity took it from there. "Exactly what were you reading about?"

"Book number five. It's the newest out of the seven." I smirked. "See that's why I'm not about to glom you or some freaky thing. It's too.. Pedophile like."

He flashed me a 'look'. "I turn twenty-one next month."

"It makes no difference." I said. "Once an image is in one's head, or at least mine, it won't be shaken. But hey, if you insist, I could always pounce you now. I'll do it for all the Potter stalkers in the cosmos." I retaliated that look of his with my most devious smile. It's the one I tended to use when threatening my friends. They tell me I'm scary when I do that. Keen.

Harry shook his head and waved his hands in front of him. "No thank you. I think we can both do without that."

I snapped my fingers. "Aww nuts. And here I was hoping to make it some kind of holy mission. I can see it now; temples dedicated in your honor where fangirls, and fanboys, all flocking to them to worship, grovel, and grope." I rolled my eyes. "Then again they already have those on the internet.."

We sat there in an uncomfortable silence, and I wished that I had a familiar face with me. Of course no magical friend appeared, so I was stuck with the strange adult known as Harry Potter.

Yeah, the Powers That Be are definitely DEAD.

***************** 

__

A hand clamped tightly on my throat.. His teeth were glinting in the firelight as he sneered at me.

"Not so tough now, are you."

A whimper escaped, causing his grip to tighten, his mouth moved..

Screams bounced off the walls as a body hit the wall..

It slid to the floor..

Dead eyes stared up at me even as pain tore at my throat.

Figures.. Laughing behind flames..

"Time to play."

I gasped for air as my eyes greeted the world again. "Oh god." I found myself staring at Harry who was watching me from his bed.

"What's wrong?"

"Dream." I muttered. "Just a dream." The heat I could feel through me told me otherwise. I frowned. "Something bad is coming."

That's when I noticed that Harry didn't look too good. His hair was messier then usual and he looked extremely pale. His eyes met mine. "You're a seer."

"No. I'm not. It's just.." My frown faded with a sigh as I stood up. I wasn't a seer. I wasn't anything. I'm nothing, damn it. When will people accept that? I pushed a stray hair away from my eyes and my ring caught my attention. The eyes were going dark. "The ring. It did it."

"We need to see Dumbledore." Harry said. He led me out of his room. "What did you see?"

"People. Death." I sighed. "You know, fun stuff. You?"

"What are you talking about?" He asked, trying to look innocent.

I snorted. "Puh-lease. Don't try that that innocent look. I've seen it from the best. Hobbits, kid's I used to baby-sit for, hell I perfected it. Besides, the only other reason you'd look like that is if you were.." I blanched. "Ew. Not going there."

Horror crossed his face. "Don't be ridiculous!" His look was so funny I snickered. "I think it best if I waited until we spoke to Professor Dumbledore."

And that was that. But when we reached Dumbledore's office, we found only two people there.

Rather, a person and an imp.

Mythe was standing at Dumbledore's desk speaking in low tones with the imp, who was waving his arms franticly as he shook his head.

"Where's Professor Dumbledore and Hagrid?" Harry asked, his eyes narrowing.

"Gone." Mythe replied. She eyed us both. "We left the two of them a half hour ago. When I returned, they were gone." She waved her hand at the paintings, which I now realized were all frozen as if they were.. Well.. Normal. "They were like this, and this place was impeccable."

She held something up. "All we found.. Was this."

My jaw dropped. I recognized it.

It was a dagger.

Harry looked at the dagger then at me. Realization appeared in his eyes. "You recognize it."

Of course I recognized it. I still saw it in my nightmares. Didn't know about that, did you?

I reached out and snatched the dagger from Mythe's hand. She didn't look surprised.

The blade was covered in blood that was months old. Surprisingly, it wasn't just flashy looking with a jeweled hilt, but entirely functional. My mind whirled. "No.."

I let her body slump to the ground and I backed away, her blood soaking through my gloves.

With a cry, I let the dagger fall to the floor with a clatter, breaking the silence of the room. I stepped away from them all, even as the familiar voices echoed in my head.

__

"If they won't kill you, I will." 

"No one will miss you."

"You'll get yours."

"You're just like Mary said. Useless. You should have let them kill you when you had the chance."

"You killed a girl. You killed her and enjoyed it."

I clutched the sides of my head, knocking my fedora off. "NO I DIDN'T!!!" I shouted. As my hair fell down around my face. God I probably looked like Samara from 'The Ring'.

"Whoa. She's crazy!" 13 exclaimed. "Where's my camera?"

"Shut up, imp." Mythe snapped.

I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders, shaking me lightly. "What's wrong?"

I bit my lip and shook my head, refusing to look up. Harry tried again, but I shoved him away and fell to my knees with a whimper.

"Why won't they just leave me alone.."

Mythe's voice was what got me to look up. "Who?" It was amazingly uncold and it made me think she could fix things with that wand of hers. "Why won't who leave you alone?"

I lowered my hands and picked the dagger back up. "This was hers. I killed her you know. The blood.. It soaked my gloves.. And her eyes.. She just stared at me as I let her fall. Her smile.."

"Who are you talking about?" Harry asked softly, kneeling to look at me.

"Sue." I murmured. I touched the blade of the dagger lightly and an intense pain smacked me upside the head and called me it's bitch. It sent me reeling and flying backwards. I hit the wall with a yelp.

__

"It's Amalthea now." Her eyes were glowing a solid sliver and burning holes into my soul and her red painted mouth was curved into a dangerous smile. "Did you miss me, Lacey?" Her tone was sweet, with the poison of a viper behind each word. "Because.. I missed you."

I let out a scream as pain tore through me. There were shouts.. And as everything went dark.. One voice stood out.

"I knew she'd be a screamer. It's a corset thing."

If I lived.. I was going to throttle that imp.


	6. Flashbacks Make The Heart Grow Fonder Or...

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

AUTHOR: Silence

DISCLAIMER: See previous parts.

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

** = *thoughts*

Feeding the Feedback:

BookCrazy77: Lol, I'm glad you do! Sue, as if anything could keep that witch down. Mythe is truly creepy. The DADA version and the real version. *hopes she doesn't see this*

Holly :o): Hehe.. Legolas. Highly doubtful. To have him around would make Lacey happy, and where's the fun in that? lol

*sniffles* Even a touch of feedback is enough to make me feel loved.

I'm not too sure when the next post will be, as I'm in Missouri and we're having those lovely thunderstorms and tornados.. And it keeps me distracted and worrisome. But anyhow, here you go, and I'll shut up now! Uber hugs everyone! *pelts all readers with Cookies of DOOM*

~Silence, has a need for another granola bar~

**************** 

Part 6: Flashbacks Make The Heart Grow Fonder.. Or Not

****

Look, A Flashback! Cause there's so few of them.. *cough*

__

May 2001  
Sunnydale, CA

Amalthea watched the battle with Glory, her green eyes filled with amusement. It was truly a pathetic sight. Such imperfections, the Slayer versus a sad excuse of a god. She strolled past the dueling women and headed up the rickety tower, disdain briefly marring her features.

By the time she reached the top, the old man, or perhaps demon, named Doc, was ready to slice little Dawn and open Glory's portal.

Doc closed in on Dawn and pulled an antique pocket watch out of his pocket. He looked at it. "What do you know? Just about that time."

Dawn stared past him and cried out. "Spike!"

Spike had appeared on the scene. Amalthea watched him try to save the Key, but soon enough, he went flying over the ledge. She peered down to the ground below and with a flick of her wrist, some debris slid to where the vampire was meant to land.

With a smile, Perfection watched as Inferiority landed on a well placed piece of wooden shrapnel.

"Ashes to ashes, dear boy." Amalthea cooed. With a snap of her fingers, the tower began to shake, causing Buffy, who was climbing up, to stagger and fall to the bottom.

Buffy winced and groaned but started back up the tower.

Amalthea merely turned her gaze to Doc as he finished cutting Dawn, her blood dripping down and into the empty void below the platform. Within two strides, Amalthea had reached Doc and she removed the ring from her finger. Doc's eyes widened in surprise as she appeared before him.

"Ciao." She said and grabbed his head, twisting it until she heard a satisfying snap. As his body slid down, Amalthea tossed him aside and over the platform.

Dawn stared at her gratefully and tried to ignore the pain she was in. "Who are you? Thanks you. I--" Her voice froze in her throat as Amalthea caused the tower to shake with another snap of her fingers. "Wha.. What are you doing?"

Amalthea merely smiled and placed the ring back on and disappeared. Soon a crackling ball of energy began to form where Dawn's blood had spilled.

Dawn whimpered as she watched her sister to climb the tower one more time. Dawn's gaze was torn between watching Buffy struggle up the still shaking tower and the portal that was growing before her.

Amalthea eyed the portal with obvious disregard. "Primitive. No grace."

Terror filled Dawn's eyes as she watched the effects of the portal. Worlds melding, demons appearing.. And even a dragon suddenly shadowing the sky.

"Jump little one." Amalthea murmured softly. "Let's not make the world suffer any longer than it has to."

With one last glance at Buffy, who was now trapped at the bottom of the tower, Dawn closed her eyes, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"It has to be blood." She cried, trying to muster the courage she knew she'd need. "Blood opens it. Blood closes it."

Amalthea grinned in satisfaction as the young girl threw herself into the portal. The portal began to close as it absorbed Dawn's very being. By the time the portal hissed shut, nothing remained.

She laughed. She didn't know how long she allowed herself to lose herself in the moment, but when she came to, she found herself on the ground, alone next to Ben's body.

Kneeling next to the corpse, the blonde beauty caressed the body's cheek with her right hand. "A pity. Such potential. Such power that still lies. No where to go." Amalthea held out her left hand and a glowing ball of energy crackled to life. "Let's not waste it."

She lowered the ball of energy next to Ben's face, even as the body shifted from Ben, to Glory, and into a shapeless form, neither male nor female. It looked as if it were waiting to decide which to be.

The ball of energy seemed to pulse with excitement as Amalthea moved it closer.

"Mmm. You like it, do you?" Amalthea smirked. "Riddle me this, Riddle me that.." Her smirk never fading, she proceeded to push the ball of energy into the misshapen form that was once Glory. She took her hand out as soon as she felt the energy leave her palm and stood up.

As she watched. The body, if one could truly call it that, began to glow brightly and slowly take a new shape. Flesh turned white, with a build that was skeletally thin. The newly formed body rose to it's feet and eyelids opened to reveal eyes of red with catlike slits of darkness. 

Amalthea looked at the completed form in disgust. The lack of a nose with mere slits for nostrils reminded her of how imperfect her newest crony thought. "Pathetic. I allow you to have the power of a god and THIS is what you choose?"

Red eyes tried to burn through to Amalthea's heart, "It will strike fear into those that see it."

Amalthea snorted, unaffected by her companion's effort at terror. "I'm afraid I can not allow such disregard and lack of respect for me to exist." She flicked her wrist and her companion doubled over in pain as his body took yet another form. "I will have no less then perfection in my presence."

She waited patiently as her work completed and what stood before her was not the snake like skeletal figure, but a rather distinguished young man with perfectly styled dark hair and pale skin. The only thing that remained from his previous incarnation were the red eyes.

Amalthea nodded. "It will do." She snapped her fingers as she turned around, and a wand appeared before him, floating in midair. "You'll be wanting this."

The man growled at her and snatched the wand. He pointed it to her back, "Avada--" His voice cut the curse short as a blade was forced to his neck. He looked to his left to see several figures in dark robes, their faces hidden within the darkness of their hoods. "What is this?"

"They are Nazgul. Ringwraiths." The new bearer of the One Ring explained. She turned to the wizard, her green eyes now blazing silver. "They serve me, and me alone. As you shall begin to do so. You may be a wizard with the magic of a hell god now, but you are NOTHING to me. I can crush you with a thought."

To prove her point, the wizard was struck down with an intense pain as if the very fires of Hell were devouring him. The pain quickly ceased as Amalthea grew bored. "Now come. I do believe we have a world to recreate.. And you no doubt will want a little revenge."

The red eyes perked up in interest, his voice filled with sarcasm. "So I am allowed that?"

"Among other things. In order to recreate things in my image, we must start by removing all obstacles, which include the champions of this world. It would not do to mar my perfection with such flawed beings."

Amalthea clapped her hands and she and her minions vanished, as if they never existed.

****

*End said flashback. We now bring you back to the story's 'present', already in progress*

****************** 

Willie the bartender's face met the counter with a loud thud. "I told you! I don't know nothing!"

Alli rolled her eyes as she watched Buffy press his skull into the wood even harder. "Dude, double negative thing." She skipped over to him, her blue eyes sparkling merrily. "See, Buffy is a very mad slayer. I mean her sis and mom are dancing around in Heaven, her boyfriend left her for a special ops thing, her friends are missing, and she has a lot of other issues to deal with. She's soo liable to do something drastic."

"C'mon, slayer, ease up! I told you! I got nothing!" Willie pleaded.

"Wrong answer." Buffy hissed and pulled his head off the counter, only to punch him in the face. Willy stumbled back and into several bottles of liquor that shattered when they hit the floor, due to the now broken shelves. She grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt. "Now what new faces have been hanging around here?"

Willie's beady eyes were marred with panic. "No one's been in here! I swear!" He paused. "But.. There's whispering. Something big. Worse then that Glory chick. People looking to be hired by 'em, but end up corpses or ash. Like they aren't accepting applications for minions or something. Has everyone spooked." With a whimper, Willie tried to plead again. "That's all I know, I swear! On my kid's souls!"

Buffy dropped him with a sneer. "You don't have kids."

"I could someday." Willie whimpered as he tried to get to his feet.

Buffy ignored him and turned to Alli, "We're done here."

Alli nodded and they walked outside. "So what now?" Alli asked, her head bobbing to some tune in her head.

"We go back to the house. Wesley said he'd call if he had any leads with Angel." Buffy frowned and sniffed the air. "Do you smell smoke?"

Alli snapped her Zippo shut and pocketed it quickly. "Nope." She grabbed Buffy's arm and lead her down the street..

And away from the now burning bar.


	7. Brash Behavior

****

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

****

AUTHOR: Silence

****

DISCLAIMER: See previous parts

****

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

****

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

** = *thoughts*

Hello, I'm Sil and I'll be your hostess today.

BookCrazy77: Hehe. Amalthea is such an evil witch. You just can't keep an ego filled wench like her down. And look! A new part!

Holly:o): Yes he should.. If only to appease fangirls such as myself.. But alas. No plans for that. Hehe. *gives a key to the treasure room full of Cookies of DOOM since you seem to want them so much* And I'm trying to be careful!

Bleh. Sorry for the delay, but hoy. The weather was killer. Literally. I've been hiding in the basement for days.. *sighs* Here's to hoping the coming weather won't be as horrible. Uber hugs to all with Cookies of DOOM! 

~Silence, who is such a freak.. And scaredy cat~

**************** 

Part 7: Brash Behavior

Mythe turned the page in a dusty old tome, careful not to tear the fragile paper. "What do you want, Potter?"

Harry sighed and stopped his pacing. "What are we doing? We need to be looking for Dumbledore and Hagrid!"

"We won't find them." Mythe replied, not looking up from her tome. "They were taken by something more powerful then you."

"And how do you know?" Harry asked, his eyes narrowing in accusation. "Did you have something to do with it?"

"Taking old men and half giants are not my style." Mythe said in a dry tone. "I already cast a spell to track them, but I received nothing."

"Course that could just mean they're dead." 13 said helpfully as he popped some more of Bertie Bott's beans in his mouth.

"How do I know that you had nothing to do with it?" Harry said, his attention now on the imp. "You came from nowhere and suddenly they're gone."

"Because I said I didn't!" 13 said defensively. "Come on! I'm a good guy! Mythe can vouch for me! I was with her when they vanished!"

Harry's eyes snapped towards Mythe who was still reading from the tome as if everything were normal. He sighed. "Fine. What about Lacey?"

13's eyes brightened. "I'll go check on her!"

"I think not." Mythe snapped. She flashed him a warning look before turning to Harry. "She's fine. I gave her some potions I.. borrowed, from Snape's office."

"But what happened?" Harry asked. "First she has a vision when I felt--"

Mythe's brow arched. "Felt what?"

Harry debated telling her, but he was stuck. Like it or not, he had a feeling he was stuck with the DADA Instructor from Hell for awhile longer. "My scar." He reached up and brushed his fingertips against the lightning bolt scar on his forehead. "It hurt. I saw.. I'm not sure what I saw. It was more of a feeling then anything. But it was Voldemort. I know it."

"So Voldemort returns." Mythe looked curious. "Dumbledore disappears, a girl appears on our very doorstep, finds a murder weapon she used that belonged to her victim at the scene of the crime, and has a break down before something attacks her. This reeks of a villain team up."

Mythe set the book aside and rose to her feet. She ran a hand through her short hair and began muttering. "She had something to do with this.. I know it. I'm going to kill her."

Luckily, Harry took no notice, as he didn't hear her, but 13 grinned.

"We'll do this the hard way, Potter." Mythe said. "Go through the list of death eaters that are still around and work from there. Which of Voldemort's followers haven't been taken care of?"

Harry stared at her a moment, realizing that the woman said Voldemort's name in a casual way, as if he wasn't the scourge of the wizarding world, and with absolutely no fear what so ever. He mentally shook his head. "The Malfoys are the only ones still alive, besides Snape of course."

"Snape is of no consequence." Mythe said. "We know where his allegiance lies." She motioned towards the imp. "Come here, Imp."

13 flew over with an annoyed mutter. He was getting rather tired of being treated with such foul sense of respect, and not getting anything out of the deal. "What?"

"Open a portal to the Malfoy residence." Mythe ordered. "You and I are going to pay them a visit." Mythe glanced at Harry. "I suggest you watch the girl. She's no doubt a key to finding out what's happening."

Harry shook his head. "Are you insane? Lucius and Draco are dangerous on their own, and you're going to just 'pay them a visit'?"

"I can handle them." Mythe said, before stepping through the newly opened portal.

13 waved at Harry before following. "Told you. Hard ass bitch."

The portal snapped shut, leaving Harry to sigh. "Bloody hell. Where was she when I was in school?"

************ 

Mythe stepped through the portal and found herself standing in the Malfoy living room. The portal shut and Imp 13 quickly hid in the shadows before the owners of the home noticed him.

Mythe calmly stared at the two Malfoys that were present. Both were tall with white blond hair. Lucius wore his hair longish, while Draco's was slicked back and short. Lucius's usually arrogant expression was now marred with shock at Mythe's sudden appearance. Surprisingly, Draco looked less surprised and more bored than anything.

"How dare you invade our home!" The senior Malfoy shouted, causing Draco to roll his eyes. "What business do you have here?"

The DADA instructor strolled over to Lucius and smiled. It wasn't a friendly smile to say the least. Her brown eyes stared into Lucius'.. and Draco's own eyes widened as his father seemed to shrink away from her.

Draco's mind reeled. Who was this woman who could make his father react like that?

"My name is Professor Mythe." She said simply. She leaned closer to Lucius, "I'm looking for Professor Dumbledore. You know where he is. You're going to tell me."

Lucius suddenly smiled, regaining his composure. "I think not."

Mythe's smile never faded as she grabbed Lucius by his robes. "Listen up you, pale skinned bleached blond with a stick up his ass. I've seen evil, I've seen lackeys, and I've seen cannon fodder. Right now, you're ranking with cannon fodder. So let's make this simple and you tell me what the fuck is going on, and I don't rip what little bit of a spine you have out your narrow ass."

"Do you honestly think, a mudblood such as yourself could intimidate me?" Lucius growled.

"Obviously, she can." Draco uttered under his breath. He watched as Lucius grew more confident and arrogant, even as Mythe stayed as collected as ever.

Lucius sneered down at her. "Remove yourself from my home."

Mythe released him and stepped back. "Or what?"

Draco watched as Lucius's arm rose with lightening speed, his wand aimed at the woman.

"_Avada Kedavara_."

Mythe went flying and fell to the richly carpeted floor with a thud.

Lucius smiled at Draco in satisfaction. "That was pathetic." Draco mentally rolled his eyes at his father's smug look. "I do believe we have a prior engagement."

The moment they had apparated away, 13 flew out of his hiding place and over to Mythe's prone form. The imp stared at her and tilted his head. He fluttered closer as a video camera appeared in his hand.

"Dead Girls Gone Wild!" He cackled. "Anyone feel like a little necrophilia?" Suddenly, 13 let out a painful gasp and dropped the camera as a hand shot out and clutched his throat tightly.

"Don't even think about it, 13."

*********** 

****

INTERLUDE 

__

He stared at His employee in irritation. "You're blocking the view."

Said employee stepped away from the tv screen with a shrug. "Did she?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful." Bitterness laced the voice as a hand ran through stylish hair. "I'll kill her."

He looked up from the tv. "Try not to. She's done so much to put this in motion."

"This was planned??"

"Contingency. Just in case. Don't worry." He waved His hand as if making the problem go away.. Which He could if He wanted, but of course that would be easy. Not too mention it wouldn't make for great television. "Have a little fun. And try not to break your promise."

"…."

"Now if you don't mind, there's an imp trying to grope a dead body on tv."

"WHAT?!!!!"

****

END INTERLUDE

***************

She was gone.

Harry massaged his temples warily. He'd gone to check on Lacey, only to find her missing. "Brilliant. Bloody brilliant. I'm left in charge of one person and I lose them. How the hell does that happen?"

"Bad baby sitting skills." Lacey said as she tapped him on the shoulder. At his surprised look, she shrugged. "I had to clean up."

Clean up she did. Apparently she'd also stolen a Hogwarts robe from somewhere, as she was now wearing it over her outfit.

Lacey shrugged when he gave a questionable look at her new article of clothing. "I got cold. Castles are drafty. Last time I was in someplace like this, I was wearing full on travel gear, and later on a kick ass set of dragon scales. Chills weren't a problem… Unless Legolas was present, but that's a whole different kind of chill.." She sighed wistfully. "I miss that. I wish I had my bag of holding too. I bet there's still Lembas in that thing." She shook her head out of her wistful zone. "So where's Scary Sue and the little pervert from hell? I'd like to snap his neck."

"Apparently they went to see the Malfoys." Harry explained as he led her out of the room and down the halls of Hogwarts. "That was over two hours ago."

"And they didn't come back?" Lacey frowned. "Well there's the tragic Sue moment."

"What?"

"It's standard to kill off a Mary Sue and cause angst among the characters." Lacey toyed with the hat on her head. "Or it's possible she's a convenient plot device and we won't see her again until later. Or she's really the bad guy in disguise. Or a crony. You never know."

"Do you have any idea how odd you sound?" Harry asked her.

She nodded. "Yes I do. You try talking like me when in Middle Earth and trying very hard not to kill two evil little skanks before ruining your fandom."

Harry paused mentally, debating on pointing something out, "But.. You did, didn't you?"

Lacey went quiet, causing Harry to wonder if she was ignoring him. But she finally replied to him, her voice cool but soft. "Yeah. Sue. Amalthea. I was trying to save Boromir, and Mary, the other Mary Sue, she tried to kill me. Legolas stepped in and shot her before she could. I almost reached Boromir on time.. But Sue.. She tackled me. We started to fight." She shrugged and threw on a faux smile. "She tried to off me, I got her knife first and I stabbed her. Game over."

Harry didn't like the way she tried to shrug it off, but moved on anyway. "So what exactly does this.. Amalthea want?"

"I'm not sure." Lacey's brow creased in thought. "But if she's alive, and according to that lovely agony from earlier she most definitely is, it's not good. She was the more twisted one of the damning duo."

There was a loud crash quickly followed by an explosion a few doorways down, causing both to freeze.

"What the fuck was that?" Lacey exclaimed.

Harry pulled out his wand. "I suppose there's only one way to find out."

Lacey watched as Harry slowly headed for the new source of distraction. She fidgeted for a moment before sighing. "Oh hell. Wait up!"


	8. Lacey Is No Angel But We All Knew That

****

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

****

AUTHOR: Silence

****

DISCLAIMER: See previous parts

****

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

****

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

** = *thoughts*

Lalala.. Feedback..

Holly:o): If Lucius had ever met a Mary Sue, he'd probably be crying in a corner. Or a veggie burger. Lol. And thanks! I'll keep writing! I hope.. Lol

BookCrazy77: I'm thinking, he's utterly bonkers. ^_^ And thanks!

*yawn* I'm a sleepy little freak now. Just watched the Dawson's finale and I'm like, "Ugh! Whatever!" And if you watched it, it soo didn't go the way I wanted it to. *mumbles* I never seem to get the 'ships I want. CURSE TV!!!

~Silence, who is now off to seek vengeance on how Buffy was screwed over this season~

**************** 

Part 8: Lacey Is No Angel.. But We All Knew That

I groaned as I followed Harry. Trouble finds him? Yeah. Whatever. It's looking like he goes looking for it. I pulled my new robe tighter around me. Hehe. I always wanted a Hogwarts robe since reading the books. Ahh.. The books. So long I had bashed them, and now I am a fangirl. Oh, I'm a Sirius Black fangirl at that. Yup. And a closet Snape one.

Shut up. At least he's a far departure from Legolas. Insert the wistful sigh.

I put the breaks on my thoughts, as I realized I'd zoned and Harry had gone on without me. With an inward snarl of annoyance, I stormed forward.. Only to be hit in the head with a water balloon.

I let out a shriek as water soaked through my hair and onto my clothes. I mercifully thanked the gods I was holding my hat and not wearing it. "HEY!!!" Looking up, I spotted my attacker. 

A little man was floating in the air above. He wore outrageous looking threads, which included an orange bow tie and a bell hat.

"Peeves." I growled at him, even as another water balloon came my way. I side stepped it and it splashed the floor on impact. "That's it, I don't care if you're dead or not, I'm going to kill you!!"

I pushed my sleeves up and Peeves stuck his tongue out at me. Where the fuck was Peter Venkman when you needed him? I was ready to do some ghost busting, starting with this annoying little--

I shrieked again as another balloon narrowly missed my head. "GET DOWN HERE, YOU LITTLE FUCK! I'M GOING TO RIP THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE AND SHOVE THAT BOW TIE UP YOUR GOD FORSAKEN COLOR BLIND ASS!!!"

Peeves stared at me in shock. I guess he didn't expect a girl to speak to him like that. So in retaliation to his earlier taunt, I flipped him off. He cackled and vanished just as Harry returned.

"It was nothing but a false alarm. Some fake wands were set off and--" He stared at me. "Why are you wet?"

I almost replied guys don't ask that, they just go with it, but I couldn't do it. I didn't know if he'd get it or not. Frankly, I'm not sure I wanted to know. It would ruin the whole golden boy image for me. So I replied with sigh. "Peeves."

"Ah." He pointed his wand and said a word I couldn't hear, as I was busy muttering about the ways I was going to torture Peeves, and poof. I was dry. "Better now?"

I nodded. "Much. The last thing I need is to have the whole Samara look again."

"The what?"

"Pop culture reference that doesn't really fit since the movie doesn't exist yet." I explained. "Fake wands?" I asked, "Weasley made?" 

He nodded with a grin. "They're best sellers."

"Fred and George must be so proud." I said dryly and finally put my hat on my head.

"Oh they are." Harry said. "Come on. We should see if Mythe came back yet."

"And how do you expect to do that?" I asked.

His grin widened. "_Accio Marauder's Map_!" I blinked as a piece of parchment soon rushed to Harry's hand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

The parchment became a map and I rolled my eyes. "I should have known."

"So you do know of it."

"Of course!" I said indigently. "I just forgot." At his amused look I resisted the urge to push him. "Hey, I DO have a life that doesn't involve being where I shouldn't."

"Oh really." The amused look didn't falter. "Like?"

"Like.. Groping Legolas in the name of all fangirls." His eyes widened at that and I allowed myself a smirk. So it was an exaggeration on my part. Big deal. Let me have my fantasies. I tapped the map with my finger. "Ahem. Back to business, yes?"

"Of course." We both took a look at the map, which covered all of the grounds of Hogwarts, and only four dots were moving around. Two were side by side with the names; H. Potter and.. Lacey. Okay. It had my last name on it, but you don't need to know it. "You're Lacey--"

"Yes." I snapped at him. "Look." I pointed. "There's Filch. But who's that?"

There was a lone dot where the Quidditch field lay. L. Angel.

Harry glanced at me with a frown on his face. "I have no idea."

"We really shouldn't go look." I said. "It could be trouble."

"It probably is."

"We could get killed."

"Possibly."

"We're going anyway aren't we."

Harry flashed me a grin. "Of course. Mischief managed." The map cleared and he quickly pocketed it into his robes.

"Okay, since when are you so impetuous that you need to go off and face danger?" I asked.

"I'm not being impetuous." He gave me an innocent look. "We're going to go get my invisibility cloak and scout. Just close enough to see what we're dealing with."

"Oh goody." I muttered. Close quarters with Potter. Just what I needed. Must remember, don't kill him for breathing near me. I can work through the fact that I hate people in my personal space. Yup. I can deal.

********* 

Close quarters with one Harry Potter wasn't as fun as most Mary Sue fics probably let on. Not that I would know. I actually didn't read Potter fics unless they were crossovers. Eh, I'm funny that way. I need to have a ship in my fandom, and sadly, there wasn't one I liked that much in the world of Potter.

And it was dark. Did I mention that? Because it was. Uber creepy. It screamed an episode of Scooby Doo.

Anyway, here I was walking next to Harry and hidden underneath that pretty silvery cloak. If I asked nicely, do you think Harry would give it to me? I didn't think so either.

We'd reached the Quidditch field and L. Angel hadn't left because there was a lone figure in the middle of it. I squinted my eyes at the figure as Harry pulled out a pair of binoculars.

"It's a man." Harry said. "Dark hair. He seems to like black."

I snickered. "If I didn't know any better I'd say it was--" I stopped in mid-sentence and snatched the binoculars out of Harry's hands.

"What is it?"

I gazed through and I nearly dropped the binoculars. Standing there was none other then Angel. As in the souled vampire. Yeah. From Buffy. "Houston, we have a crossover."

"What?"

"That's Angel." I groaned. "Liam. Liam Angel. Duh me. Anyhoo, he's a vampire with a soul from this show I watch, Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"Evil?"

"Nope. Souled and a champion for good." I continued to watch Angel. "But.. Why would he be here?"

"How would be a better question." Harry pointed out.

Angel turned towards our direction. I froze. He couldn't see us. Could he?

Angel smiled.

I swallowed slowly and handed back the binoculars. I grabbed Harry's wrist. "Run."

Harry let out a cry of surprise as I began dragging him away from the field. He started asking me questions, but I paid no attention.

Those eyes that had looked at me were cold. Dead.

Like the ones in my dream.

Angel wasn't home.. But Angelus was.


	9. Why Every Hero Needs A Sidekick

****

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

****

AUTHOR: Silence

****

DISCLAIMER: See previous parts

****

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

****

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

** = *thoughts*

*sneezes*

Erm.. Sorry. Sickly Sil. Lol But here's feedback. ^_^

Holly:o): Hee. I love Angel/Angelus myself. *swoon*

BookCrazy77: Ahh, the X-Over from Buffy? Simple. As you know the original Confessions of a Mary Sue was my deranged take on Mary Sues in LotR.. This fic is a take on the Buffy/Harry meshed verses. Rather find herself in a set continuity, Lacey's got herself in yet another situation gone horribly wrong. In this verse, both Harry & Buffy exist in the same world.. Only completely oblivious to the other. I'm not too sure if that explains properly.. lol

Uber hugs to all who read this! And remember, feedback isn't needed, but it sure does make a girl feel better.

~Silence, a feedback whore who wants to start a Feedback Brothel..~

**************** 

Part 9: Why Every Hero Needs A Sidekick

"Oh you have to be kidding." Buffy muttered.

Alli grinned. "Checkmate!"

Buffy rolled her eyes at Alli's announcement. They'd been playing chess while waiting for Wesley to call back. Sadly, it wasn't one of Buffy's better skills so Alli was having an annoyingly good time at winning.

"Where did you get to be such a good player?" Buffy asked.

"Well, I've played chess with a demi-goddess," Alli began and ticked the list off on her fingers, "a demon with a soul, a clone, an android, two brilliant scientists, Riley Finn, an annoying wizard who likes to have seizures, a couple of goddesses--"

"Hold it!" Buffy demanded. "Riley? As in my Riley?"

Alli blinked at her. "Um.. Sorta, but not. Alternate reality thing. He was hired to be a teacher's assistant at this school I go to for fun." She flashed an innocent look. "That's all."

"No way. There's something.." Buffy narrowed her eyes at her. "You're dating him!"

"Well.. Um.. Yeah, kind of.. But he's not YOUR Riley."

"But he was still a Buffy's Riley!"

"So? It's not like I kidnapped him! He was there, we got along, the soldier boy and the insane stalker." Alli held her head up high. "It works! Or did. I'm not seeing him now."

That got Buffy curious. "Really? Why?"

"UST." At Buffy's blank look, Alli sighed. "Unresolved Sexual Tension. With another guy." Alli hastily threw in, "Me not him. Cause I don't want that mental picture. Although it could stand for Unresolved Stalker Tendencies, but hey they both work for me!"

Buffy shook her head, trying not to see the mental image Alli had obviously tried to avoid. "When the hell is Wes going to call?" The phone chose that moment to ring and Buffy snapped it up. "Thank god. Hello?"

Alli looked out the window as Buffy was on the phone. As she traced her finger in random designs on the glass, a bright light flashed in the distance. Blue eyes blinked. Pink lips turned upward into a gleeful smile as the sound of the receiver being placed on it's cradle.

"They can't find any trace of Angel." Buffy said. "They went to some oracle, tried magic, nothing. They even looked for Giles and the others." She noticed Alli staring at the window. Her eyes followed Alli's and spotted the shining light. "What's that?"

Alli looked up, her face filled with mischief. "Don't know, but it's our duty to find out!"

"Let me get my sword." Buffy said.

"Finally!" Alli laughed. "Something to do!"

************* 

The light had faded considerably as the duo walked the streets of Sunnydale, but it was still bright enough to track, so they soon found themselves in Weatherly Park.

Buffy gaze fell onto the dark and empty park, her body tense. "I don't like this. Something's off."

Alli nodded in agreement. "It reeks of magic."

"And you know that how?" Buffy asked her, glancing at an empty swing as it swung in the soft breeze.

"When you've been around it as much as me, you can tell." Alli said with a shrug. She was weaponless even though Buffy had tried to talk her into taking an ax. "It's not as bad as Hell though. You know they really shouldn't have called this place the Hellmouth. I mean it looks nothing like Hell, and it's severely lacking all the levels."

"Levels?"

"Like the Scooby Doo level, the horror movie level.." Alli's voice faded. "And I'm talking THE Hell not one of the Hells you or Angel have seen. The one where Lucifer lives."

"I'm going to regret asking, but why were you in Hell?"

"To save demon with a soul's 666 imps from being tortured by Luci's sister Lilith. I wasn't really there until later since I was kidnapped and all.. But I did get rescued by two goddesses and got to watch tv with Odin and God before using his back door to go to Hell. He has a great setup, you know. It's big screen, high definition."

Buffy closed her eyes warily. She wasn't sure if Alli was completely insane or just a pathological liar. But she was all the backup she had right now, so Buffy pushed her thoughts aside and marched forward.

Mentally of course, because she couldn't seem to move.

"What the hell?" Buffy exclaimed. "I can't move!"

"Join the club." Alli said. "Must be a holding spell or something."

"I see the Slayer has finally decided to grace us with her presence."

Out of the shadows walked a pair of distinguished looking men, their hair a shocking blond white. They wore dark robes that contrasted with their pale complexions and hair.

Alli's blue eyes shined. "Cool! Lucius and Draco Malfoy!"

"Who?" Buffy hissed.

"Wizards." Alli replied. "Lucius is the one with long hair. Draco is the mini Spike."

Buffy nodded mentally. It'd be a good idea to keep track of who's ass she was going to kick first.

Lucius wore a glowering look on his face, "I was told all of the slayer's companions were dealt with."

"Actually, I'm a temp." Alli grinned. "Would you like to see my resume?"

"YOU took my friends." Buffy growled. Oh how she wanted to just tackle that jerk as he stared at her as if she were lower than dirt. "Where are they?!"

"You're in no position to demand answers from me, Slayer." Lucius sneered. "We have appointments to keep. Draco."

Draco flashed a bored look at his father. "What?"

"Deal with the blue haired muggle." Lucius ordered. He pointed his wand at Buffy. "_Crucio_."

Buffy let out a scream as her body crumpled to the ground in pain. Pain upon pain coursed through her body, but she kept her eyes open and on Lucius, a deadly look in them. One that said, 'I'm going to break every bone in your body and then gut you like a fish.'

"BUFFY!" Alli cried out. This wasn't good. Alli was all for the adventure but now a friend, well okay she was friends with an alternate Buffy but that still didn't change much in her eyes, was being tortured.

One thing Alli never liked was torture. Her eyes narrowed and without warning a metal spike came shooting out of the ground next to the elder Malfoy.

Pain ripped through Lucius's mouth as the spike shot through his free hand. He swore and pulled his hand free of the spike even as it vanished. He stalked over to Buffy, anger and hatred on his face. "You'll pay for that."

Draco watched as the girl with the strange blue hair seemed to break free of the holding spell his father had cast. Her fist shot out and collided with Lucius's face, sending him to the ground. It was all Draco could do to retain his mask of disinterest on.

She was pissed. Her eyes were ablaze and as he watched, her fist seemed to turn to metal.

"I did that, bucko." She spat at Lucius. "And I'm about to do a lot more." Several more metal spikes shot out of the ground, each narrowly missing Lucius as he tried to crawl away. The metal on her hand spread as if it were water until it covered her entire body.

Buffy watched the strange sight, and couldn't help but think of Terminator 2 and it's liquid metal effects. "Cool." She murmured weakly.

Draco sighed. He supposed he'd better step in before his father soiled himself. "_Ventosus_!"

Alli yelped as a gust of wind sent her flying. She slammed into a tree and fell.. But like a cat she landed on her feet. "Oh yeah, now it's on!"

Unfortunately, her chance at Lucius was gone as he quickly grabbed Buffy. He smirked and the two vanished.

That left her staring at the steel gray eyes of one Draco Malfoy.

Draco took a step back at the metal girl's smile. It was as cold as the metal she was now protected by. He swore and followed it up by apparating away. Better to run then to fight an enemy you know nothing about.

Alli's smile faded and the metal around her body dissolved with a puff of glitter. "Kay. Buffy taken by Malfoys. Angel and the Scooby Gang taken too. Me on my own."

She sighed and pulled a cell phone out her sub space pocket. She dialed a number and waited impatiently for the ring to start.

__

"I'm sorry, but the number you have dialed is inaccessible at this time." A very Anthony Hopkins like voice said into her ear. _"We're sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you for using Washu/Morgan Inter-dimensional Communications."_

Alli's jaw dropped. "YOU SUCK!" She snapped the phone shut and tossed it to the grass in fury. "Ok, then fine. If I can't get Cat or Raina, I'm going for the uber ones!!!"

She stood there, knowing she was going to look like a complete idiot, but she started screaming at the top of her lungs. "SIL!!!"

Nothing.

Odd. Her boss should have appeared. It's what she did. Heck, she'd love to join this party. But there was no sign of her.

So Alli tried again. "BARDY!!!!"

Nada. No four armed demon barreling through a portal, imps in tow.

Alli bit her lip. If she couldn't phone for help, she wasn't going to be able to get anyone else to portal in. With a reluctant sigh, she tried one more name, one she'd probably regret, especially since said being still held a slight grudge for a snowball attack one fine Christmas.

"Mythe?"

And there she was. One moment, nothing, the next, there Mythe stood. Her dark coat, dark hair, and her dark eyes that were narrowed as they stared at Alli. "You called?" Mythe's eyes widened as the girl gave her a big hug before bouncing away. "What in the Nine Hells--"

"I need some help!" Alli broke in. "Buffy was taken by those Malfoy guys from Harry Potter and--"

"Buffy? Ohh. I could work with that!"

Alli's eyes narrowed instantly at the imp that flew up from behind Mythe. "13!" Her hand shot out and she grabbed the imp by the throat. "WHERE'S THAT TAPE, YOU LITTLE PERVERT?!"

Mythe rolled her eyes and broke them apart. 13 gave her a grateful look as he coughed, but flinched at the warning look Mythe had given him. "All right. Enough." She motioned to Alli. "And you called me why?"

"Sil didn't answer-"

"Of course not." Mythe muttered. "She's too busy enjoying all this."

Alli ignored her, "And Bardy didn't either-"

"He won't." Mythe said. "No one will. Only those on this Earth are to deal with it as of now."

"Why were YOU here then?" Alli asked.

"Teaching at Hogwarts."

Alli blinked at her. She giggled. "YOU?! HA!! Heehee.. Oh.. That's rich. You SUCK at magic!"

Mythe gave her a fierce look. "It's part of my training. One year. Nothing but magic. I promised."

"Oh. Okay. Promises. I can deal. Gotcha." Alli nodded. "Coolies. So are you going to help me save Buffy and the Scoobies or what?"

Mythe nodded curtly. "Apparently that's what I'm here for. _He's_ enjoying it thoroughly." The woman smiled an evil smile. "Besides.. I owe Malfoy payback."

"What did he do?"

13 grinned. "He killed her!!"

Alli's eyes widened. "That.. Boy, he's really stupid."

"It's the bleach he uses." 13 said. "It's soaked into his brain. So tragic. So hey, when you're done with him, can we take him back to school? The penguins and imps could have a nice feast. I mean it's not everyday we have a wizard for dinner."

The women stared at him in disgust.

Alli gagged. "Eww."

"This is who I've been putting up with all day." Mythe said dryly. "How 330 is related to him, I'll never know."

"Not like you care." 13 said, a hurt look on his face. "You've been acting like you don't know me!"

"I would too." Alli muttered.

"Didn't want to blow my cover." Mythe explained. "Only Dumbledore knows who I really am."

"Okay, are we done with the talking?" Alli asked. "Because we have a slayer to save!"

Mythe nodded curtly. "Take 13." She handed Alli a crystal. "This will help you locate her."

"You aren't coming?" Alli looked at her in shock. "But--"

"Not yet. I'll come in when I'm needed." She snapped her fingers and disappeared in a smatter of lights. Her voice echoed to the two of them. "You can't expect me to do EVERYTHING."

13 stared at Alli.

Alli stared at 13.

13 swallowed slowly.

Alli pointed at him. "After this is over, I'm sooo telling Bardy on you."

"Ha! Like he--"

"Especially about the tape you sold with Reiko in it."

13 shut up, causing Alli to beam in delight.


	10. Lacey, Harry, and Nancy Boy Hair Gel

****

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

****

AUTHOR: Silence

****

DISCLAIMER: See previous parts

****

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

****

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

Okay, I'm sooo sorry for not updating sooner. I got totally distracted by my dad's birthday, then mine, and then Mythe's. Not too mention I kinda got sucked into playing Baldur's Gate 2 again.. Anyway, I'm sorry and I'll stop the babble.

Fun with Feedback!

Xandman: *pats on the head and gives a 'get out of death free card'* As if I haven't made you late/almost late for work before. *snort* ;p

Weirdbard: Hehe Thankees bro! If 13 ever gets self esteem problems, you KNOW it's a sign of the world ending. (It's not mentioned in the Bible, but I doubt the line 'and Imp 13 will gain low self esteem' or something would sound good, so they edited it out. It's true! *looks around* Yeah, that should secure my ticket to hell.) As for the tape, it's called "Reiko's Excellent Adventure" I saw it in several chain stores.. Right next to the steel chains and the licorice chains. ^_~

BookCrazy77: lol, thanks! And if you get the crossover thingee, that's more then I get.. Just uh.. Don't tell anyone.

Holly:o): Hehe.. Lucius.. Oh the plans.. Err.. Ahem.. Sue? You'll be seeing her again VERY soon.

Zefyr: Lol, sorry about any confusion, but sometimes it's how I write.. And this fic is one giant bag of confusion. Pity the canon characters.. Lol

Mythe: Sister dear.. You're biased. ;p

Dusty Fedora: Chart? As if! You KNOW full well it's all the voices. You're just lucky I ignore the one that says to stalk you before I build that shrine in your honor.

And for those who wish to brave the horror, I have a page dedicated to Lacey.

You may now groan in disbelief. The link is in my user info! (I'd put it here, but links refuse to show up half the time.. *kicks her programs*)

And now.. To the fic!

**************** 

Part 10: Lacey, Harry, and Nancy Boy Hair Gel

I slammed the door behind me and flashed Harry a panicky look. "Lock it with a spell or something!" Leaving him to deal with the door, I went for the nearest wooden chair and picked it up. I slammed it against the table causing it to break apart. I snatched one of the splintered legs and turned back to Harry, who was giving me a confused look.

"Would you mind telling me what's going on?" He asked. "Why were we running? You said he was a champion."

I nodded. "WAS. That wasn't Angel. That was Angelus. See vampires don't have souls, but Angel does. Did. Something must have happened to take his soul. He's probably going to kill us so I think we should find some weapons and take him out."

Harry stared at me. "How did he get his soul in the first place?"

"Gypsy curse."

"Then we'll just go to the library and look up a restoration spell."

My jaw dropped. Why hadn't I thought of that? Oh yeah, I was busy panicking. Excuse me for not wanting to be tortured by a master. I don't care how hot Angelus is, I did NOT feel like being a meal for him. I sighed. "We'll still have to get past him."

"I still have my cloak." Harry said, pointing to the silvery garment.

"Yeah, but he can sense us. Why do you think I said run? Hello? He was STARING at us."

"Then I'll be careful." Harry said. "What makes you so positive that he lost his soul?"

"His eyes." I answered automatically. "You never forget eyes like that.." I frowned. "Wait a second, you said 'I'll be careful'."

He wrapped his cloak around his shoulders again. "Yes I did."

"Excuse you, you are NOT leaving by yourself."

"I'll move faster if I'm alone." He replied. Harry sighed. "Besides, I have to warn Filch. What if that vampire decides to eat him?"

No big loss in my opinion. "Fine. Go. Get killed. See if I care. But if you live and I die, I'm going to haunt you for the rest of your life and unlife. You'll NEVER be rid of me. I'll ruin every possible special moment you could ever dream of having. I'll--"

Harry pointed his wand at me and I snapped my mouth shut. His mouth quirked into a small smile. "I'll be right back." He pulled the cloak over his head and disappeared. The door opened and shut behind him.

I sighed. "He just had to say the words of doom. If I don't get out of this damn world soon, and we both survive, I'm going to teach Golden Boy the finer points of horror movie survival."

I counted to one hundred before I took my make shift stake and quickly went into the hallway.

So I have a death wish. 

It's a special gift.

********** 

"I hate the powers. I hate the powers." I muttered to myself as I got lost in the halls of Hogwarts. Why oh why must I be in a 'verse that isn't even canon? Why must I be in Harry Potter no less? Whoever is doing this to me sure as hell better put me back in Middle Earth when Return of the King comes out.

Of course I'd be satisfied if I just had someone to ogle here. Eye candy helps ease the pain.

A crash interrupted my thoughts. I gripped my stake tightly and ran to the fork in the hall. Peering around the left corner, I saw Angelus clutching Harry by the throat and holding him against the wall. Harry's wand and cloak lay on the floor a few feet away from them.

Angelus is hot and worth ogling, but not when you know he's going to kill you next.

I bit my lower lip and stepped around the corner. "HEY! SOUL BOY!" Angelus turned to me, his hand still on Harry's throat. He was in his game face, so I took a deep breath and tried my 'Anti-Eomer Look' on him. "You know I hear there's great plastic surgeons that can fix that nasty condition of yours."

He snarled at me. "Wait your turn, girl."

I flipped him off. "Sorry, but leftovers are soo not my style. But hey, I'm sure Buffy is available for that. Maybe she can screw the soul back in you."

Angelus tossed Harry to the floor and started for me. I glanced at Harry, who was trying to gather the air back into his lungs.

I kept my smug look as he got closer. "Trying to kill Harry, eh? So you get off on little boys. That's just pathetic. Really-" I was cut off by him grabbing me by the shoulders and slamming me up against the wall. Stars. Pretty. Yay. And can I say ow?

He sniffed at me and leaned close. His fangs grazed my throat enough to send a chill down my spine. I shivered at his taunting and he grinned. "I don't think I've met anyone as desperate as you to die."

I kneed him in the groin and he let go of me with a sharp cry. I slumped to the ground and scrambled away from him. I let out a cry when his hand grabbed my ankle and dragged me back.

"_Stupefy! _"

Angelus froze instantly and hit the floor. I kicked his prone form away from me and slid myself back. I took a deep breath. "Took you long enough."

Harry offered me a hand and when I took it, he pulled me to my feet. "You were supposed to stay in the classroom."

"I was also supposed to be eating popcorn and reading a book in peace, but that isn't happening." I snapped. I glanced down at Angelus and kicked him again. "Besides, you went and gave yourself a death sentence when you left."

"I what?" Harry looked confused as he pointed his wand at Angelus. "_Mobilicorpus! _" Angelus's body levitated and Harry motioned for me to help push him. "We'll lock him in the nearest room until we find that spell. Now what were you saying I did?"

I gave Angelus a good shove. "You said 'I'll be right back.' That's a curse." His blank look caused me to sigh in frustration. "Horror movie logic. When someone says that, they end up dead."

"We aren't in a horror movie."

"Technically, no." I shoved the stupefied vampire with more oomph. "But we have the whole creepy castle and a vampire who likes to torture people. It's common sense!"

Harry gave Angelus the final push into a room and shut the door, leaving our favorite vampire alone. He locked the door before turning to me. "Do you mind if I refer to you as completely insane?"

"This coming from the guy who decided to stalk the halls while Angelus was around." I rolled my eyes. We walked past the spot where Harry's cloak lay. I knelt down and picked it up. I ran my hand on the odd feeling material before handing it back to Harry. I had to. Shut up. "I think you dropped this in your quest to be throttled by a vampire."

"Thank you." Harry said. He brushed a hand on his bruised neck. "That is an experience I don't want a repeat of."

"Then I guess that means I can't set you up on any blind dates with my friends."

*********** 

I slammed the book closed with a whine. "Well that was a big ball of nothing!" Harry ignored me and kept reading. His mouth was curved into a slight smile of satisfaction.

If he had found something, it'd be about time. We'd been in there for at least an hour, and as neat as the books were, they tended to be almost as wordy as a Tolkien novel. Not that it was a bad thing. Just.. Well if you knew me and my Middle Earth venture, you'd know why I get fidgety.

With a shrug, I moved from my chair to the table and leaned over to see what the golden boy was reading. "Whatcha got?"

He leaned back and pointed. "One soul restoration spell."

My eyes widened as I skimmed it. Son of a bitch. The little bastard not only found one, but one without the soul losing clause. "Can you pull this off?"

A serious look appeared on his face. "I'd better. It can only be cast on it's target once every twenty years."

"Oh that figures." I muttered.

Thud.

I turned around at the muffled sound. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Harry asked as he resumed studying the spell.

Thud.

"That." I said.

"I didn't hear anything."

"Well I heard something!" I hissed. "We aren't alone in here and--" I was cut off as a body slammed into me, knocking me off the table and onto the floor. I groaned and tried to get up, but I realized one unconscious greasy looking old man was on me. Oh yay. Someone was playing dodge ball with me and using Filch as the ball.

"Lacey!" Harry cried out. He turned to the direction Filch had come from, his wand pointed, and was greeted by Angelus wrenching the wand away and tossing Potter into the shelves, and the wand to the floor.

I struggled with Filch's heavy body and tried to ignore the sounds of Harry trying to lose Angelus in the stacks. With a cry of triumph, dirtball moved and I was free.

Just in time to see Harry in the air.. And landing on the floor near me with a loud crack.

My eyes widened and I crawled over to Harry. "Harry??!!" I shook him. "Oh come on, you boy scout! You CAN'T be dead! I swear to god if you are, I'm making sure I find myself in a Final Fantasy verse so I can revive your English ass with a Phoenix Down or something.. And THEN I'm going to cast a Hold spell on you and make you watch reruns of Thundar the Barbarian!"

Harry let out a breath. I sighed in relief. He was alive. Hurt, but alive. He probably had a broken rib.. Spine.. Arm. I didn't know. I didn't care at the moment. Just as long as I wasn't left alone with Angelus.

"Fuck." I said. I WAS alone with him. Harry was out of it. I looked around for my stake and it suddenly landed on the floor next to Harry's wand with a clatter. I glanced up to see Angelus in a crouched position on the table.

He looked a little bit pissed. "Do you honestly think you could lock me up like that?" He smiled and it sent a chill through me. "Pick it up."

"Why? So you can taunt me before you snap my neck?"

"I like the struggle. The screams." His eyes glittered in anticipation. "I bet you're a screamer."

"My ex boyfriend never found out, so you sure as hell aren't going to either, he of the nancy boy hair gel." I reached over and made a wild grab for Harry's wand. I had it pointed at Angelus and he laughed.

"You aren't a witch."

"Obviously." I snarled. Oh whatever powers there were, please let this work.. "I'm worse. I'm a Mary Sue. _Flipendo_!"

Much to my shock, and believe me I was more shocked then Angelus, a ball of energy shot out of the wand and barreled into Angelus's chest. He went flying backwards and took out a stack of bookshelves.

"YES!" I got to my feet and let out a triumphant cheer. A Mary Sue skill working in my favor! "Eat that, you brainless corpse!"

Angelus let out a roar as he stood up. "I'm going to kill you slowly for that one."

I ran a hand through my hair and aimed the wand at him. "You have to reach me first." I shrugged and tried a spell I knew was from the movies and not the books. "_Lumos Solarum_!"

A bright light filled the room and Angelus released a pain filled snarl as he started to smoke.

Cool. Magical sunlight is fun. Did I ever mention I was a closet pyro?

He pointed at me. "This isn't over."

I flipped him off. "Bite me."

"Don't worry. I will." He said and pulled out an amulet from under his shirt. With a muffled word, the vampire vanished.

"Well fuck." I muttered. "Now what the hell are we supposed to do?"

As if on cue a small pamphlet fell at my feet. With the curiosity of a cat, I naturally picked it up. It was an advertisement for Diagon Alley.

Okay. Since when the hell did they advertise like this? I shrieked as the pamphlet burst into flames, nearly singing my fingertips. Wannabe pyro or not, I don't want to be burned personally. Because you know, ow.

Well a location is always neat. Helpful. And far too convenient. But it was all I had. With a sigh, I knelt down to Harry and got to work on waking him up.

After all, every Mary Sue needed cannon fodder.

I just needed to make sure Harry wasn't going to end up mine.


	11. Alleys & Dungeons, or What The Hell is G...

****

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

****

AUTHOR: Silence

****

DISCLAIMER: See previous parts

****

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

****

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

Hey hey, finally, I updated. Evil stuffage.. But that's not the point, anyhoo, here ya go!

Feedback Fun:

Weirdbard: *snickers* Bro, you're evil. And hey, I'd soo watch Vampire Taunting..

BookCrazy77: Hehe, thankees! Torture Lacey style should be marketed for disciplinary problems everywhere.. If only so I could see like 5 people buying it.. Err..

Holly :o): Fanfiction.net ate your review! Evil.. *uber hugs* But thankees!

Ok, now on to fic.. Thanks all for commenting, its always great! *Cookies of DOOM for all*

~Silence, who has a craving for a Dairy Queen Blizzard~

**************** 

Part 11

Alleys & Dungeons, or What The Hell is Going On?

****

The Following Morning..

"Can I--?"

"No."

"How about that?"

"No."

"Can I at least--"

Alli let out a frustrated scream, causing several patrons of Diagon Alley to stare at her briefly. The young woman glowered at the 10 year old boy next to her. He looked like any ten year old boy, except for the devious look on his face and the jersey that read "13". "No you can NOT grope that woman." Alli hissed at the disguised imp. "We're on business here!"

"Yeah right." 13 muttered and folded his arms across his chest huffily. "It didn't stop you from hitting on that Oliver Wood guy."

"I was NOT hitting on him." Alli denied. "If I wanted a wizard, I'd go jump Raist's bones. But seeing as how he'd probably enjoy it, I'd be doing charity work." She sighed wistfully. "Although, he'd probably love it here. With the exception of all the people. And cheerfulness. And sunlight. Not too mention the fresh air."

13 rolled his eyes. "Charity work my ass." He pointed. "Can I at least get some ice cream?"

Alli's eyes brightened. "YEAH!! Ice cream!" She grabbed 13's arm and dragged him down the alley, barely paying attention to a pair of older witches talking.

"Samantha, darling, you really should--"

"Mother, I am NOT leaving my husband."

13 snickered and nearly tripped over a black cat running by. "Watch where you're going, you furball!"

"Can't talk, gotta hide!" The cat shouted as he dived into the crowd.

A blonde witch with a very American accent stormed out of one of the shops. "Salem! Get your no good furry butt back here!" She stopped next to Alli and 13. "Did you see a talking cat around here?"

"That way." The sidekicks said in unison.

The witch smiled. "Thanks." She quickly ran down the alley in search of the cat.

Alli and 13 blinked and glanced at each other.

"You know if we didn't already have portal experience, that would be weird."

13 nodded. "Yeah. Who was that anyway?"

"I'll explain later. Sugary goodness now."

**************** 

Buffy let out a soft moan as feeling came back to her body. "I feel like I got backed over by a truck."

"It was a very good looking truck."

"Anya.."

"What? He is!"

Buffy's eyes snapped open and she found herself in a strange dungeon that looked to be made of diamond. "Xander?"

The good looking young man gave her a crooked grin as he helped her sit up. "Hey, Buff. Nice of you to join us."

Anya nodded her head. "Oh yes, nice. Are you getting us out? Because the more time we're here, the more money I lose and less chance for sex I get to have." She gave Xander a pointed look. "Xander refuses to have end of the world sex in here."

"Anya, this isn't the time or the place--" Xander started to say.

"I bet suave Xander would do it. I wonder if Malfoy would split you in two for me." Anya rambled on. "Then again, probably not. I did curse him a few times when he was a teenager. Those were some of my favorites…"

Xander shook his head in disbelief as he sat next to Buffy. "She's been like this since we got here."

"Where are the others?" Buffy asked.

"In other cells around here." Xander said. "If you yell loud enough we can talk to them, but every time we do, these ugly orc things come and threaten us." He sighed. "They broke Giles' arm."

"We heard it snap from here." Anya said. "He screamed like a baby." She shrugged and joined them on the floor. "Then Lucius Malfoy came to taunt Giles about never graduating from Hogwarts or something."

"Huh?" Buffy looked as confused as Xander. "He knows him? And what's Hogwarts?"

"Magic school in England for wizards and witches of the wand wielding variety." Anya explained in a tone of voice that said 'how dumb are you?'. "Very top secret if you're a muggle."

"What's a muggle?" Xander asked.

"Non magic using person." Anya said. "Like you and Buffy." She frowned, "Although I bet they've heard of the slayer. I wouldn't know for sure. I never went except when a couple of girls summoned me when Malfoy used them. Obviously that last curse didn't take since he has a son."

Buffy glanced at Xander who merely shrugged. The slayer sighed. "Do you know why we're here?"

A figure walked through the diamond wall as if it didn't exist. Her hair was a shimmering white blonde that set off her perfectly tanned complexion. Her eyes were an emerald green that stared at them in amusement. She placed a hand on her hip, "Because you're a thorn, little slayer, that must be plucked from my rose."

Buffy's eyes narrowed as the power from the woman filled the room. "Oh goody, another delusional bimbo."

The woman's eyes flared in anger. "Watch yourself girl." Her composure cooled quickly. "I wouldn't be so cocky, after all, I disposed of the key easy enough."

"What did you say?" Buffy asked slowly as she got to her feet.

"Who do you think stalled you enough to keep you from reaching it?" She smirked. "A few choice whispers and I had the girl eating out of my hand."

"YOU BITCH!!" Buffy screamed and ran at her, ignoring her friends' shouts.

Their captor's smirk never faded, but she flicked her wrist, sending Buffy flying across the room. Buffy hit the diamond wall with such force it shattered and she went tumbling into a dark void beyond.

"Oops." Amalthea said with a laugh. "I hope the slayer enjoys oblivion." She walked back through the wall laughing.

Xander and Anya ran to the shattered wall. "Buffy!!"

The wall healed itself just as Xander prepared to follow Buffy. His fist struck the wall in anger. "No!"

Anya touched him lightly on his chest, "What are we going to do now?"

***************** 

__

"You know, you're in deep shit."

I beamed. "Ha! As if. It's all planned. Just go. Shoo. Do your thing."

"Why do I have to clean up your mess?"

"Because you're the nicest, greatest, sweetest--"

"…"

"Because it's more fun if you do it. You KNOW you're dying to do it."

"You owe me more then you can imagine."

"Oh yeah? Who helped save 33? I didn't see you going into Hell to save him."

"You didn't even tell me everyone was going!"

"It's not my fault you don't check your messages!!" I paused and pointed. "There she goes."

"I see her. I'll deal with it."

I nodded. "Cool. Oh here." I handed over a magazine. "You have to check that out." I snickered at the look. "Trust me."

************** 

Harry scanned the busy alley as Lacey pet one of the many owls sitting outside of Eeylops Owl Emporium. Much to Lacey's horror, they had ridden his broomstick from Hogwarts to Diagon Alley. He'd tried apparating them both and floo powder when available, but it had seemed nothing would work. He ran a hand through his unruly hair and grimaced as he remembered how Lacey had nearly pushed him out a school window at the suggestion of flying.

__

" NO WAY!!" Lacey had screamed at him, her face paler then usual and her eyes wide in terror. "Nononono! We are NOT going anywhere in the air unless it's in a damned plane and I'm surrounded by a giant metal shell so I don't have to look down!"

Of course, she had agreed to it in the end, but Harry was pretty sure he was going to have permanent bruises from how tightly Lacey had been holding him. "It'll match the ones I gained from Angelus.." Harry murmured. Thankfully Lacey seemed to have calmed down upon landing.

Lacey walked over to Harry who was staring down the alley. "I'm going to kill you. You know that right?"

Then again, maybe not. Harry sighed. "Can it wait until after we've found Professor Dumbledore and Hagrid?"

The woman nodded. "Fine." They started walking, "I can't believe you lost my hat."

"I told you I was sorry." Harry insisted. "I didn't see that bird!"

"Well how did you expect me to see it?" Lacey snapped bitterly. "I was too busy keeping my eyes closed so when we fell to our deaths I wouldn't have to see it."

"I'll buy you a new one, all right?" Harry said, trying to end their bickering before anyone noticed.

"You'd better." She muttered.

The two continued in silence and Lacey finally sighed.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you." She kicked at the ground as she stopped. "I just.. You know, hate heights."

Harry watched her with curiosity before shrugging. "It's all right."

"Yeah well.. You don't have to buy me a new hat." She said. "I'll just order another one online when I get home." Lacey paused and gave him a small smile. "If it makes you feel better I have a 101 ways to skewer an elf."

Harry blinked at her in confusion. "What?"

"Legolas the elf, mines of Moria, big almost bottomless type pit with broken stairs. Long way down. He made me go across so I plotted his death. I even wrote it all up when I got home." Lacey's eyes held a faraway look in them. "Adore that elf, but my god, you DON'T do that."

"If you adore him and have a 101 ways to skewer him, I'd hate to know what you have planned for me." Harry said.

Her eyes lit up and she grinned. "I'm only up to 57. Give me time." She shoved him lightly. "Several of them involve that wand of yours though."

Harry chuckled just as a voice called out to them.

"Hey! You! Harry!"


	12. Lacey Gets a Headache

****

TITLE: The Goddess Must Be Crazy.. Who Are We Kidding? She Is.

****

AUTHOR: Silence

****

DISCLAIMER: See previous parts

****

SPOILERS: General warning for everything. 

****

AUTHOR'S NOTES: If you haven't, it might be a great idea to read "Confessions of a Mary Sue" before reading this.

Okay, sorry to anyone still reading, for the total lack of updating. Writer's block whacked me good when I was half done with this chapter. But enough of that, I do have an update! So.. Um.. Run in fear?

I like Feedback, You like Feedback. Cool.

Paige Darke: Aww.. Thank you! You are totally forgiven! Uber hugs and here, have a cookie of DOOM! ^_^ (I usually hate cliffhangers myself, but sometimes.. It's too hard to resist.)

Holly:o): Thanks! And see? More right here!

Cynda-chan: Thank you! And I always write.. It's just a matter of um.. on what.. Lol *hides her documents for world domination*

Thanks to all who keep reading, I appreciate it! ^_^

And now, yup.. On to the fic.

~Silence, who is uber paranoid lately~

**************** 

Part 12: Lacey Gets a Headache

I frowned as a ten year old boy came running over to us. I glanced at Harry who looked just as bewildered as I probably did.

"Can I help you with something?" Harry asked the boy.

The boy glared. "It's me! 13!"

Harry's eyes widened. "But you're human!"

"It's a thing those imps can do." A female voice explained. It's owner stepped up behind the human 13, and grinned. She had bright blue hair pulled into pigtails and blue eyes. At the moment she was busy finishing an ice cream cone. "I'm Allison. Everyone calls me Alli." She popped the final bit of the cone in her mouth, and quickly polished it off. "I'm here to save the world!"

I took a step back. "Wonderful. First Scary Sue, then Evil Sue, now we have Perky Sue."

Alli's eyes narrowed. "Hey! I am NOT a Sue. Well.. I mean, yeah, I'm used as one a lot, but really, it's all in fun."

I snorted. "Whatever."

"Look, call me what you want, but I'm here to help! Okay? God!" She rolled her eyes.

Harry interrupted. "We have more important things to worry about then this." He turned to 13. "Where's Professor Mythe?"

13 shrugged, his face filled with boredom. "Eh, Lucius Malfoy killed her.

"WHAT?" Harry looked horrified. "She's.. Dead?"

Wonderful. Let's have a death for angst. Someone loves to make Harry feel bad. Speaking of Harry, he looked pale and troubled. Sigh. And now just as the angst should kick in, we'll probably breeze by it right about--

Alli stomped on 13's foot. The boy/imp yelped and hopped around as Alli shook her head. "She got better. Any way, I'm not sure why you're here, but we have to save Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her Scoobies."

Now. Boy that was quick. I did a double take. "Buffy?"

"Buffy from that tv show you mentioned?" Harry asked. "The one where that Angelus came from?"

I nodded. "Yup. So what happened to Buffy?"

Alli flicked an ice cream cone crumb off her shirt. "The Malfoys took her. What about you?"

"Dumbledore and Hagrid were kidnapped." Harry said.

"Let me guess, everything was in perfect order and there was a blade laying about." Alli grinned at our shocked looks. "That's what I thought. It's all we found at her friends' places."

I rubbed my temples. I was getting a headache. Everything was coming together in a messed up way and it was annoying me. "So Amalthea took the Scoobie Gang and The Potter Gang."

Alli blinked. "Who's Amalthea?"

"All powerful evil Sue who I killed when I was on Middle Earth."

Alli grinned suddenly. "Oh!! I know-- Okay. This Amalthea is obviously the bad guy so I say we team up!"

13 kicked her in the shin. Alli cried out as he cackled. "It's about time. Can we go now?"

It was Harry's turn to sigh. "But where are we going to go?"

I shrugged. "Don't look at me."

Alli rubbed her shin and muttered a string of curses. She straightened up and tapped her chin in thought. "If I were an uber Sue, what would I do?"

"I'd gather some allies, take out the competition and create my own pocket plane to hide in." I said with a shrug. Everyone stared at me. "What?"

"She's good." Alli said.

13 shrugged. "I've seen better."

"Voldemort." Harry murmured.

"Huh?" I asked.

"My scar." He brushed his fingertips across his scar. "Yesterday.. It must have been a sign."

"She brought Voldemort back?" I squeaked out. "Great. She's got Angelus AND Voldemort."

"And Lucius and Draco Malfoy." Alli added. "So how did Amalthea get all these high cards?"

"We haven't figured that out yet." Harry said. "We don't even have a motive."

"Does it matter?" I said. "She's a psycho bitch. She likes to manipulate things to her advantage. Amalthea has control of the deck, and we're screwed."

Alli flashed a mysterious smile. "She doesn't have ALL the cards." She pulled an Ace of Spades out of thin air. "I still have this."

That was when 13 started to whine. "I want a Happy Meal."

Alli ignored him. With a flick of her wrist, the Ace disappeared. "We need a game plan. I think we should start going through a list of likely places for a villain to hide, and go from there."

"That could take days!" Harry exclaimed. "By then, Dumbledore and the others could be dead!"

"I want a Happy Meal."

"I doubt she'd kill them." I said. "She's probably using them as bait for us."

Alli nodded her head. "True true. So okay. If I were an Uber Twisted Sue, where would I hide?"

"I WANT HAPPY MEAL!"

"We are NOT getting you a freaking Happy Meal, 13!" Alli snapped. "The last McDonalds was like three miles away and we don't have time for it!"

13 pointed down the alley. "There's a Golden Arches right there."

The rest of us followed his gaze. I can safely assume all our jaws dropped in horror.

Snug as a bug in the alley, was..

A McDonalds.

Oh sure, it was calling itself 'The Golden Arches', but there was no mistaking it. It looked like a McDonalds. It smelled like a McDonalds. It no doubt tasted like one.

"What is THAT doing here?" Harry sputtered out.

"That's definitely out of continuity." I said and ran a hand through my hair.

Alli looked mildly amused. "Huh. Why didn't we see that earlier?"

"So can I?" 13 pleaded.

"Why the fuck do you want a stupid Happy Meal?" I asked him.

"I know why." Alli announced. She pointed to a girl in uniform behind the counter.

The girl was your typical buxom blonde bimbo.

I hated girls like that. They ALWAYS made me feel self conscious. I immediately folded my arms across my chest, only to hear 13 snicker. "Shut UP."

"This can't be coincidence." Harry suggested. "What do you think?"

"I'm thinking I wish I had a shit load of weapons before I step foot in there." I replied.

A soft jingle of a bell echoed through the alley. I turned to see a wobbly looking cart being pushed by a hooded figure. The cart made a rickety sound as it's wheels squeaked and turned. I blinked twice in curiosity.

The cart and it's owner came to a stop in front of me. One of the front wheels chose that moment to fall off. It rolled to a stop at my feet. "Gods be damned!" The hooded figure shouted in a deep and booming voice. An obviously male voice at that. He leaned towards me. "The wheel."

I arched an eyebrow. "What about it?"

"Hand it over."

"Get it yourself. I'm not your fucking slave." I snapped.

"Oh that's it!" The man's voice boomed again. "I'm not taking this mortal's shit!" A finely manicured finger tapped him on the shoulder, the sun glinting off the metallic blue nail polish. He spun around just as a matching hand ripped his hood off. "By Hades, what do you want?"

Alli beamed at him. "I KNEW IT!!! I knew I recognized the stench of sweat soaked leather."

My eyes went wide. Underneath the hood was a clearly recognizable face to me. He had short black hair, a matching mustache and goatee. The man removed the rest of his robes and tossed them on the pavement with a snarl. He wore black leather with silver studs on it and carried a big ass sword at his hip.

"ARES!" 13 exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for a date." Alli snickered. "He's hoping to come across Umbridge. He gets off on the 'Hem hem' and all that."

Harry blanched at the mere thought of that.

I was in shock. Ares. The Greek God of War. Whoa.

"Hand me that wheel. NOW!" He shouted at me.

My eyes narrowed. "I'm NOT your flunkie. Do I look like Discord?"

He looked me over and I forced myself not to cower from his once over. "In that outfit? A little. Hair isn't as big. And you could use a little more in the--"

Alli smacked him on the back of the head. "Leave her alone you perv. Do you want me to fill your codpiece with metal again?" With that, she pulled the tarp off the cart and her eyes lit up. "Ooh! Weapons!"

The rest of us looked, and much to my glee, there was a nice little arsenal. I picked up a sword. "Oh this is pretty." It was a rip off of the Green Sword from 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. I put it back wistfully, and Alli forced it back in my hand. "Huh?"

She tilted her head. "Take it! You'll need it." She pushed it towards me with more force. She shoved something else in my hand and forced me to put it on under my robe before anyone noticed. Then she grinned at Ares. "What did you do to deserve this?"

"Xena bitched." He muttered. At Alli's cackle he glared. "Oh shut up!" He snarled at the lot of us. "Just take something and get the hell out of here!"

13 picked up a whip. "What, you aren't coming with us? I'll give you a copy of Amazons Go Wild."

Ares eyes were interested. "As tempting as that sounds.. NO." He shrugged. "This is a mortal thing."

With that, he vanished in that godly way he always had in Xena & Hercules. You know, with the light, glitter, and stuff. The cart creaked unsteadily before collapsing under the weight of the weaponry.

We cast frantic looks around as the patrons of the alley started for the commotion.

"I think it's time to go." Harry said as rusty shield rolled past his feet.

I nodded in agreement and we headed inside 'The Golden Arches'. No sooner had we stepped inside, then we were greeted by the wonderful world of modern technology. Muggle tech at that. I could feel my brain melting out of my ears. Where were the continuity police when you needed them?

13 bolted for the counter and Alli sighed. "You guys get seats. I suppose I'll buy him something, unless either of you have money."

I rolled my eyes. "Do I look like I have any place to put cash?"

"I have some galleons on me." Harry offered politely.

Alli smiled. "Never mind. Who knows what they want in payment. Go. Shoo. I'll bring you back some sugar." The blue haired girl worked her way into the line behind 13, who was bouncing around like crazy.

"Over there?" Harry asked and pointed to a table away from the front windows. "I'd like to avoid any--"

"Screaming fan girls wanting your hottie self?" I teased as we headed for the table. He blushed slightly and I snickered. "Don't worry, if anyone gets fresh, I can always claim to be Voldemort's daughter or something and let them scream in terror as they flee."

We sat down across from each other and he rolled his eyes. "More then likely they'd call the Aurors and have you placed under lock and key."

"Kinky." I said and toyed with the salt shaker. "So does Voldemort really have a daughter?"

"Not as far as I know." Harry said. We sat there in silence while I played with the salt and pepper shakers. After a few minutes, the boy who lived spoke up again. "This is awkward."

I arched my brow, I seemed to do that a lot, "Yes, because sitting with me is never normal."

He gave me an exasperated look. "I MEANT the restaurant. It's completely out of place and wasn't even here before."

"Which is why it's the obvious choice for a Mary Sue's home base." Alli said and sat down next to Harry. 13 happily slid into the booth next to me and opened his Happy Meal as Alli babbled. "The key is finding out how it's connected. Here." She slid the plastic tray towards me and Harry, offering us a couple of drinks. "I figured butterbeer is safe, and less conspicuous then ordering the Crystal Pepsi or the New Coke. They have RC Cola too. And I think I saw Tab."

I blanched. "New Coke? Ugh, as if I needed more proof of Sue's evil." I took a sip of my butterbeer. Oh my. It was much better then the recipes online made it seem. Of course, that was when I'd realized I'd drank very little in this fucked little tour of hell, so I downed half of it quickly. Harry just stared at me in shock. "I'm thirsty, okay?"

"Whoohoo!" 13 let out a yell. In his hand was an opened Happy Meal toy.. Of Xena. He started to play with it and put it in different positions. After a few minutes of us watching in a mix curiosity and fear, he pouted. "You call this bendable? You can't even put her in the 69-OW!!" He rubbed his head and glared at me.

Yes I whacked him. You didn't see the deep shade of red the golden boy was turning. That and I really didn't want the visual in my head.

13 mumbled about me being a psycho ho beast and complained loudly, "Where the hell is the Gabrielle figure? You can't pose Xena without Gabs!"

Alli calmly took a drink of her butterbeer. "You really think Xena would want you to do that?"

"Well she did keep Gabs in a magic pocket for awhile.." 13 said.

Harry flashed me a questioning look and I shrugged. It was nice not being the only clueless one here.

"Do you think _SHE_ would appreciate it?" Alli tried again. This time 13 glowered and once more tried to bend Xena, only to have Alli snatch the figure away from him. "I think I speak for everyone when I say, we don't want to see what you're going to do with her next."

As 13 grumbled, I decided that he didn't need his cookies. What? The cookies are the only reason to get a Happy Meal these days. The toys tend to suck, unless you're in the wizarding world apparently, and the food is only mediocre. But the cookies? Godly.

I reached into his box and pulled out what was usually the small cookie bag. Only it wasn't. I frowned and opened the package up.

"Hey! My cookies!" 13 shouted.

"Shut up." I snapped. "You didn't get any." Inside the baggie was a folded up note.

__

Head for the freezer.

"Great." I muttered. "I get to freeze to death." I handed the others the note and Alli beamed after reading it.

"I love convenient plot devices." She said.

"Isn't this a bit too obvious?" Harry asked. "It could be a trap."

"It's not." Alli said. "Come on, Harry, you HAVE to recognize Mythe's writing."

He nodded. "I do, but it could be a forgery."

Alli stood up. "It's so not. Now come on."

I didn't move. "We can't just go in there. We need a distraction."

"I've got one." 13 said. He climbed onto the table and took a deep breath. "Oh my god. Lucius Malfoy is dancing around naked in front of Gringotts!!"

No one moved. 13 stomped his foot. "Come on!"

I sighed and stood up. I walked over to the front windows and waited.. I gasped. "J.Lo and Ben are walking outside!"

Much to my amusement, or horror, virtually everyone headed outside rather quickly. Weird. I was just kidding around too. But far be it of me to miss out on an easy opportunity like this.

"To the freezer, fellow heroes!" Alli cackled and led the way.

As we followed, I shook my head. "How the hell do they know J.Lo and Ben?"

"They just released Gigli as a play two months ago." Harry said. "Does that have anything to do with it?"

I sighed. "Why???"

"They plugged it as 'A Muggle experience you'll never forget'." Harry explained.

"Especially after you throw up your internal organs in disgust." I said.

Alli held up a hand. "We're here." She placed a hand on the large metal door. "Shall we?" Without waiting for an answer, she pulled it open and she gasped.

My brow arched.

Harry looked curious.

"So that's the secret ingredient for the burgers!" 13 said. "Where's the corset?"

Sitting up, as if just waking up, was one Buffy Summers. Her weary eyes flickered towards us. "What the hell am I doing in a freezer?"

"13 was hungry." Alli said as we all entered the icy tomb of doom. She offered her hand to Buffy. "You okay?"

Buffy allowed herself to be helped to her feet and nodded. "Grand. I just found out my sister was tricked into killing herself, found my friends, was knocked into a wall by a bitch with more expensive tastes then Glory and Cordelia combined, and I think I lost Mr. Pointy. You?"

"My friends were kidnapped." Harry offered. "And I got knocked around by a vampire called Angelus."

13 added his two cents. "Portaled here while running away from an angry mob of townswomen who didn't like the fact I made them a best seller in several worlds, watched Lucius Malfoy kill my friend Mythe, and I just had my Xena toy taken away by the blue ditz here."

"Dragged here from a parallel reality, only to find out the Hogwarts kidnapper is a Mary Sue that I killed in self defense on Middle Earth while mooning over an elf and going a bit crazy, and I'm able to beat up unsouled vampires with my Mary Sue skills of wand wielding." I said and took a breath.

"I got help." Alli replied simply and shrugged.

Buffy did a double take towards Harry. "Did you say Angelus?"

"He's probably a pawn of Sue's." I said. "Amalthea. The bitch with expensive taste."

Buffy looked somewhat panicked, but unfortunately she didn't have a chance to say more.

The freezer door slammed shut.

13 blinked. "Automatic doors?" That was when I realized he had already changed back into his imp form. At my confused look he grinned. "Trade secret."

Yeah. Whatever.

Then the wall to our left swung open wide.

"Ahh. More CPDs." Alli grinned. "God I love them."

"Speak for yourself." I muttered. "You've never been one."

Alli pat me on the shoulder. "There there. I'm sure there's an alternate universe version of you that managed to win Legolas."

I felt a twitch coming on. Rather then glare at her, which I should have, I headed for the open wall. "Are you people coming or what?"

I walked into the darkness beyond and clutched my green sword replica tightly. I stopped in mid-step and someone bumped into me, knocking me to the ground. "Hey!"

"Ah, sorry about that." Harry said from on top of me. "Alli pushes rather hard."

There was snickering and giggles as the place lit up like a Christmas tree.

I groaned at the heap Harry and me were in. The sound of a throat clearing made everyone look up.

Leaning against a thick crystalline wall, so thick you couldn't see through, was Professor Mythe. Only she wasn't wearing her clothes from before.

She was wearing a fully decked out Amazon queen outfit, that was ripped straight from Xena. It was all in black leather and she was flipping idly through a magazine called 'Amazon's Go Wild: The Complete Guide to the Video Collection'.

"Great. Attack of the Xena extras." Buffy snapped.

Mythe put the magazine down. She tilted her head. "That's no way to treat the person who saved your ass from Oblivion, Slayer." She glanced at me and Harry. "Now if you two wouldn't mind untangling yourselves, I think we have work to do."


End file.
